Time for this Spaceman to Fly !

Spaceman Jacks' jetpowered rocket pack is fueled up and ready for blast off. he's not gone for ever though as he will be reappearing as the slighly saner Jack Dee in a politically flavoured travel blog

The East is West

hope to see you there

Bowling Alone, Book Review

Bowling Alone
The Collapse and Revival of the American Community

Robert D Putnam
Simon & Schuster 2000

* * * * * 5 Ninja Stars

Time to kick it sideways a notch with Spaceman Jacks inter-disciplinary and inter-planetary sociological book review Phase 1.
I came across this fascinating piece of work at The Warehouse book sale remainder clearance bin for the remarkable low price of NZ$ 1.97. Which is cheap even for a notorious cheap bastard such as myself.
It was some where between "The Back Street Boys Annual 2000" and the "Batman Returns" colouring in book.
Don’t let the discounting of this particular copy dissuade you how ever, it was the only copy there and it was most probably the last of a much larger batch.
"The collapse of the American Community" was the phrase that grabbed me because I am always interested to here about the when were and how of the U.S.A going the way of Carthage and the Dodo.
But this is no latter day lamentations of Jeremiah preaching the fall of the Second Roman Empire or Babylon on the Potomac.
Robert Putnam is a serious and dedicated sociologist plotting the curves of the graph of American civil society, and for at least the last 30 years the graphs have been curving down.
"Social Capital" is the key term throughout and the title phrase "Bowling alone" is its key metaphor.
Social Capital is the idea that all social networks have value, not just a vague metaphysical value but real tangible value, people with better social links are happier and live longer wealthier and more productive lives.
As for the bowling part of it, more Americans are actually bowling but fewer and fewer are doing it together in clubs and leagues.
All across the country participation in all manner of clubs, groups and voluntary organizations is falling. Generally speaking the curve goes something like this, from modest beginnings at say 1900 memberships rise slowly but steadily, there is a dip during the great depression, and then another drop during the war years. After that there is a major rise in participation till about the late 60’s early 70’s when things plateau. Then the rot sets in the early 80’s and its been down hill ever since. Its not just the formal clubs and associations like the Masons, Rotary or the boy Scouts either. The decline is general, less people getting together for dinner parties and card games less people chatting with the neighbors even less people bothering to stop at red lights.
As a balance to these falling numbers we have a rising curve of lawyers, police officers and security guards. As the general level of trust within a community falls professionals are recruited to fill in the gaps that used to be taken care of, to a greater or lesser extent by the community. As each member of the community feels that they are surrounded more and more by thieves and cheats the less likely they are to trust and work for the common good themselves, a vicious cycle is created were everyone will try to get theirs’ first.
It’s a classic of the social dynamic, the prisoners dilemma, the tragedy of the commons, if we all wait in line we will all get served, eventually but those who jump the queue get served first, enough people try to cut in line then the whole system collapses.
There are many objection that serious minded academics raise to these sorts of statements, representative sample sizes, correcting for race, age education. All these objections and many more are raised and explained.
Putnam’s research is voluminous and persuasive his references are meticulous and massive.
The only real area where this work falls down is the second half of the title the, Revival part of the "Collapse and Revival of the American Community "
It’s certainly not half of the work, the details of the collapse take up 22 chapters while the revival gets only 2. Its not event direct evidence of a revival it’s more like a few little pieces that might be promising signs of a revival. I guess that Dr. Putnam is just trying to be optimistic. He’s a loyal American and I respect that but here his loyalty overwhelms the hard nosed investigation that is so strong in the rest of the book.
What he is giving us is the hope or possibility of a revival not any direct evidence that it is happening.
Its important to remember that this is from 2000 before the epoch making 9-11 so things have moved on a lot. But to what end ?
The big hope of Dr. Putnam is the Saguaro Seminar a brain trust of prominent persons trying to come up with ways rebuild America’s failing stocks of social capital.
The second stage of Dr. Putnams’ project is now available on line
"Better Together" which your friendly Spaceman has downloaded as is working his way through and will report back on just as soon as he can be bothered.

Glimore Girls The Final Episode TV Review

*** Three Ninja Stars

In which Spaceman Jack dissects the Final Gilmore Girls experience into this sociological treatise,
Stars Hollow quaint Idyll or dystopian Nightmare ?

Gilmore Girls (herein after GG) has ended as I suppose it had to do eventually, Rory (Gilmore Girl 2 ) after turning down the marriage proposal of the rich, young and eminently eligible Logan Huntsburger in the penultimate episode has now flown off as a junior reporter to follow the Barak Obama campaign.
Lorelai (Gilmore Girl1) while not walking down the aisle in white with the hard working and mucho masculine Luke, clinched him in the end as she was overwhelmed by his consideration by throwing a massive surprise Bon Voyage party for Rory .
Nice, well nice enough in so far as it’s not actually bad. Some things were left out, basically a deeper analysis of their world. I know that I have a rather bad tendency to treat TV as if it were the real world, but shows like The Gilmore Girls have worked hard to position themselves in a fictional universe that is a close parallel with the actual one. If you get yourself a good "Fiction Filter" I think you can go some way to divining a certain amount of truth about the American condition from them. They don’t tell you exactly who or what the Americans are but they can tell you a little about who they think they are and who they wish to be. Consider this;
At the heart of the GGs’ dynamic was the upper class mother and grandmother Emily Gilmore. This formidable WASP struck a bargain early on with her wayward daughter. Desperate to give the young Rory a chance at the Ivy league education which is the ticket to Elite Status, Lorelai goes to her mother who agrees to pay the bills in return for a cast iron agreement that both junior GGs turn up for Friday night dinners at the senior GG’s palatial home. An excellent example of exchanging financial capital ( hard cash money )for social capital (time with your family )
Rory’s best friend is the delightful Lane Kim (played by Keiko Agena) the daughter of the tough and hard working Mrs. Kim. A Christian Korean migrant who runs an antique store. Rory and Lane grew up together and were at the small public school until the mother’s bargain was struck and at that point their lives and fates diverged. Lane continues as a waitress in Luke’s diner follows her passion for Rock music marries the goofy but kind hearted guitarist Zach gets married and has twins.
Rory leaves the public school goes to the exclusive Chilton Academy and is on the track for the Ivy league big time. Rory turns down the chance of marriage for career.
There we are, social status, family, fertility and economic power in America all played out for you on the small screen.
But were is the justice? were is the meritocracy ? Rory is smart enough for the big league but then so is Lane. Mrs. Kim is hard working and morally upstanding while Mrs. Gilmore is vain and venal. But without the old money and connections behind them the Kims will never get to the upper crust. The GGs are bank rolled by the vested interests but the Kims are not so they will have to stay down at least for a few more generations.
This is America.

Movie Review Sleeping Dogs

**** Four Ninja Stars

One from the digital vaults This brand new DVD is a fine release of Roger Donaldson's dystopian view of New Zealand gone on a Fascist bender. It’s production was a historical moment for Kiwi cinema and it’s a forgotten political firecracker. The story behind the story is fascinating but rather long so I will leave that for later.
I never saw this at the movies so I came to it almost as fresh piece and I it feels 30 years later first a political story, any action, drama or love story was definitely second, So I’ll give you the Political story first,
The familiar and idyllic Kiwi landscape of New Zealand in the mid to late 70's usually has such a calming effect on me, viewed through rose tinted lenses of Childhood nostalgia of but here there is a weird feeling of a parallel time exists another life never lived, I continuously wondered, Could have this have happened ? Was this our past ?
A Nearly-New Zealand has Oil shock Hyper inflation, Labour Unions threatening a general strike the Fascist Special Police bully boys are out on the streets so it's more than a little scary.
Viva La Revolución !
Love story comes second, so here it is Sam Neil is the young father Smith who leaves the lovely wife and charming kiddies after some martial events and returns to the land.
As dirt grubbing a farmer on an island some where in the midst of Maoriland he gets involved in the bigger picture. He's busted by the Special Police for something he didn’t do and didn’t care about. For all the boyish good looks of Sam Neil, Smith is no Che Guevara, he gets involved in everything in such a half arsed way I can't call him our hero he's just a protagonist. Pity that he's such a selfish little asshole really. But in compensation for the generally weak acting effort there are so many little pieces of Kiwi life that looking back 30 years are( For the Kiwi veiwer ) priceless, we see a land deal done with local Iwi that wouldn't get through our political Commissars today
"Give the old man at the Marae a bottle of whiskey !" Indeed !
On the minus side some of the ledger some all the nuances and subtle touches of feeling that turn good movies into great cinema are lacking. But on the plus side it is remarkable to consider the film commission funding and The RNZAF aircraft, How both were obtained considering the subject material ?
The RNZAF contributions were the Iroquois helicopters and Staring in an ground attack role the A4K Skyhawk* which, with rocket pods and determination blasts some Communist Heretics to Hell.
The making of the movie which features Roger, Sam Geoff Murphy and the cast and crew 30 years on is another odd parallel time track. Same people same place and same the events are just dissected differently by the players 30 years later.
Price well ? a weird feeling of a parallel time track exists here too. What could have happened ?
It is worth noting that Red China is manufacturing this and selling it to you via the Warehouse for only $9.99
So Viva La Revolución



*Military Aerospace enthusiasts such as Spaceman Jack will note that the jets used are the older RNZAF A4K. This was before the Kiwi’s small wing of Skyhawks got an entire avionics upgrade. You can tell the difference by the lack of the Dorsal hump on the later models.

And so it came to pass, The Role Play Gamers Ruled the Earth…

Whilst trawling through some Liberal (American style) magazines I came across this little number which I recommend to all my Gaming buddies.
http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/2007/07/10/alternative_reality_games/index.html
The idea of a role playing type simulation to model the real events for training or education is not new of course. It rather reminders me of an interplanetary civilization, The Empire of Azad that Spaceman Jack visited in one of his Astral expeditions.
The human author Iain M Banks covered the subject in his book "The Player of Games"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Player_of_Games
The empire is ruled by an elite who gain their positions by playing in a series of game tournaments. The evil empire is then brought down by the eponymous Player who literally beats them at their own game.
Now we have the technology all we need is a gigantic pot of coffee, plenty of chips and dips. All those who have not the skills to Game on into the new millennium will be our slaves forced to work in our underground Pizza factories and Red Bull refineries

Bwaa-Wha-HaHa ! ! ( That’s my evil empire laugh )

Spaceman Jack is blasting off to the Far East (again)

Those of you who know a little of the secret origins of Spaceman Jack Dee, ( and I know that there are at least 2 of you out there) will also know that he is rather interested in the Orient and has spend some time in China.
Well I’m blasting off again early September. The first part will be attending a few things commemorating the life and legacy of a great New Zealander, Rewi Alley. Unfortunately few of the younger generation have heard of him but in the best "good keen man" Kiwi tradition he helped out a lot of children in some of the poorest areas of China.
I will be going to Beijing, Lanzhou Shanghai and Rewi Alley’s old school in Shandan, Gansu province. Then if all goes smoothly off to Chengdu, Sichuan province to meet some old friends and do my bit teaching English.
I will post more on this exciting development later, in the mean time, ponder this;

Where did the US Marine Corp. battle cry "Gung Ho !" come from ?
All will be revealed in the next exciting episode of Spaceman Jack

Live Earth Saves the World, I didn’t watch it and here’s why

Here I am getting all political and it’s exactly what I wasn’t going to do with this blog. The massive Live Earth concert is now over and I didn’t watch a damn thing from it. It was a fortuitous conjunction of politics and utter disinterest. Nice really to have one’s political convictions dovetail so nicely with doing nothing. It wasn’t even that I objected to the gross distortion of a very important message by self serving and profligate rock stars although that was certainly worthy of consideration.
I heard that Snoop Dog ( an utter punk and disgrace to the planet ) had a particularly grotesque blinged out microphone that would have done Tutankhamen proud, but even that is only a part of the story for me.
This whole sorry story is just an excuse not to do anything and not to get involved. The utter maximum that this series of media events requires Joe Public to do is go to a rock concert. Political participation has been reduced to passive entertainment.
It's no good saying that these celebrities and entertainers raise consciousness or highlight causes or bring in the uninterested youth, they may do that but at a price.
Their price is this; "Entertain Me, Amuse Me, Stimulate My jaded psyche". If the price for getting the younger generation to get involved is massaging the inflated egos of Rock stars and Gangster Rappers then I would sooner they didn’t even try.
This sort of activism is soporific not stimulating and utter poison to a democracy. It places celebrities of questionable intelligence and dubious morals as the spokespersons of global issues that they have no understanding of or dedication to. Lets face it, if Bono was so desperately concerned with Darfur he would move there, either with a rifle or a shovel in his hand (take your pick Bono, no pun intended) and actually do some work. Bono looks like a decent enough man but he is dedicated to his own celebrity first. He will do a lot for Africa but he will do a lot for himself as well. And that really is the whole weakness of these charity events they have to serve the rich first so the poor will always be beholden to them.

And now I feel a bit of scripture coming on, stop me if you’ve heard it before but it goes a little something like this

" And so I say unto thee;
When thou say thine prays be not like the Pharisees who pray at the street corner, for they have already had their reward,
When thou say thine prays go unto thine private place for the Lord God will see what thy do and he shall reward thee "

The Decline of western Civilization Part III, Paris Hilton.

After evading Law enforcement officials across the state of California wanted criminal celébutante and fashionista Paris Hilton is back behind bars.
I go out of my way to avoid celebrity gossip, the coke fiends, the break up dramas, the adoptive parents of entire third world tribes, all seem to be a very slightly more sophisticated version of the endless chatter of a high school clique.
But there is something about Paris Hilton that really gets to me. I’m not talking about gets to me like raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens. It’s more that fingernails on blackboards or vinegar on cold-sores sort of a feeling, she really is that bad. But what is it about Paris Hilton that annoys me so much ?
I certainly hope that its not just some sort of jealousy conversion reaction, whereby I slag her off but actually want her or want to be her. I think I can safely say that I don’t find Ms Hilton physically attractive and I am comfortable enough in my own skin don’t want hers.
I didn’t really expect that Hilton was going to behave in an exemplary fashion in lockup. Even just shutting up and keeping her head down would be too much for her, let alone showing some sort of individual initiative by getting a gang together and through a cunning ruse tunneling out from the exercise yard from a disguised wooden horse. But even with my very low expectations I was disgusted by her feeble and half-arsed escape attempt.
Getting out on a medical is a time honored tradition of the penitentiary. Witness the infamous Australian thug and some-what author Mark "Chopper" Read. He sliced off his own ears just to get a transfer to better accommodation, a place with more afternoon sun, where he wouldn’t get stabbed so much. ( Recent research has revealed that there is a claim that the ear cutting incident was just to win a bet, still tough though)
But Paris just cried for 2 days then got her own psychiatrist to write the Sheriff a note, it’s just pathetic, no way to get you bragging rights in the weights room.
However there is an up side, now with a bit of luck she will do the full 45 days.

But to para-phrase my old master Obi wan Kenobi

"Who is the greater fool ?, the fool or the fool who writes about her in his Blog ?"

The Gilmore Girls

Gilmore Girls TV Review

What is it that draws me back time and time again to the charmingly quaint New England town of Stars Hollow Connecticut ?
Is it thirty something yummy Mommy with a rack, Loreli Gilmore played out with a strange manic style by Lauren Graham or is it the disarming cute Rory Gilmore played in a rather understated fashion by the petite Alexis Bledel ?
It could even be some of the minor characters Lane Kim (Keiko Agena) the repressed Korean girl who yearns to be a punk rocker or Kirk (Sean Gunn) the small town's lovable but bizarre jack of all trades, I would actual rate him higher than Luke Danes ( Scott Patterson) as an enjoyable character to watch. But it is first and foremost a chick show which means excessivly elabrate romantic entangelments.
Luke is the macho love interest of the MILF Lorelai, working class Luke is hairy, manly and runs a small humble but clean and honest diner in town.
The other love interest is the Rory’s father Christopher Hayden (David Sutcliffe) he is cute, some what sissy but seriously rich. He inherited a pile of money from somebody and does some sort of finance thing.
I was some what disturbed when I discovered during my research for this article that the whole thing was conceived with help from the Family friendly programming forum the F.F.P.F. which is part of the Association of National advertisers or A.N.A. The representative body of marketers in the USA all of which smells like fascist state propaganda . Creating the programs according to their own code can eliminate the thereat of advertisers boycotts and who the hell actually writes the agenda for these quasi judicial bodies anyway ?.
The main tensions in the life of Loerlai are her strained relationship with her parent especially her mother Emily Gilmore (Kelly Bishop) as the third of the "Gilmore Girls" their mother represents all of the old school Protestant family values that the precocious and rather slutty Lorelai rebels from. She left her palatial family home after becoming pregnant and chose the road of a single mother over that of a Ivy leaguer ( Seven Sister ).
Up to the point where solo Mummy arrives back on the door step of her old school mother to beg for the serious dosh required to get her own daughter Delightful Rory the Harvard education she so desparately wants. And so the power of capitalism brings the family together.
The keys to the gates of power in the New Republic (east coast ) are the degrees and diploma of the educational institutions and the contacts they represent. These gates are guarded by those of the exact same class whose interests the serve just like the A.N.A & the F.F.P.F.

It is now cancelled cut, over and done with final episode aired in the States may 15th it now belongs to history

Parasite Hilton

I was feeling I little low on Saturday, you know the feeling, drained of energy, with too many things to do and not enough time to get it done. Looking with a touch of despair upon the sadness of the world.
Then I read that Paris Hilton is going to jail and I bucked right up.
Hooray ! I thought, it couldn’t happen to a more deserving woman.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no class warrior intent on knocking down the rich and famous just because they are rich and famous.
I’m an educator, and I know of no other person more desperately in need of an education than this young lady.
Judging by the effectiveness of her previous lessons this one will need to be delivered old school. 45 days in the slammer may seem a little harsh for driving while disqualified but its rather light for driving while being a ghastly parasite sucking the life blood out of society.
I’m no thug either, I have no interest in seeing anyone brutalized while in prison, such lessons are rarely effective anyway, I’m an intellectual so I would rather see her totally freaked out. That’s they way to deal with this sort of trouble maker. So rather than pairing her up with a 100 kg gangster cell mate with a sharpen tooth brush and a bad attitude I recommend a different approach.
To reform Paris Hilton I would recommend a cell mate, maybe a burglar maybe a hooker from the other side of the tracks. But make sure she is a talkative one. Let the millionaire heiress socialite celebrity ( are any of those actually jobs ?) hear for 23 hours a day the tales of desperation, poverty, fear and starvation. Picking coins out of the gutter, scraps out of dumpsites and the hard graft needed just to keep body and soul together on the mean streets.

That’s an education

James Bond Vs David Bowie

My latest Brilliant Idea ( No.17), is a movie bringing together Sex, Violence, Spaceships, Rock & Roll, Kung Fu and Politics, now ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages (actually everyone over 17 ) Spaceman Jack in association with Freakytime productions now presents a Jack Dee Joint

The Island of Major Tom





"I heard a Rumour from Ground Control"

Featuring; James Bond Vs David Bowie

Secret agent 007 is sent to investigate and infiltrate a mysterious island in the Caribbean (or Pacific depending on the budget). Home to a now reclusive Rock & Roll Movie-star, played by David Bowie. After he announced his retirement in the late 90’s this multimillionaire superstar is rarely seen, only whispered and speculated about. Is he mad ? Where does his money really come from? Has he had cosmetic surgery ?
The major governments with satellite surveillance know more, and they are starting to get worried. There is a lot of traffic on the island’s airstrip, the high speed executive jets apparently used to transport celebrities look suspiciously like fighters and what is that large North Korean construction crew doing deep in the island central volcano ?
Rumors also abound in the popular press and the gossip sheets about the statuesque ebony beauty Iman, Bowies’ favorite wife and mother of some of his several children. They say she first grew bored with her husbands eccentric ways and then with his isolated life style. She yearns to return to the bright lights and celebrity scene of the worlds great cities.
The London spymaster "M" employs Bond to good effect as she sends the irrepressible poon hound on the trail of Bowies’ Negro Supermodel wife, intent on playing her against Bowie.
After tracking Iman down to a Pairs fashion show, Bond drops some "truth serum" into her gin & tonic, electrocutes her bodyguard with a "Q" section cattleprod disguised as 2 chopsticks and hooks up with her in the laundry cupboard of a Parisian hotel.
Bowies’ secret surveillance of his wife has picked this all up. The body guard recovers and a satiated and sleeping Bond is clubbed, tied up and flown to The Island as a prisoner…

how will it end ? I can’t say for sure but I think Bowie will start by frying Bonds testicles with a laser, or at least attempting to do so, there has to be a few hairs breath escapes
The climatic death scene is also very important. I think the climax will be when George W Bush shoots David Bowie’s space ship with his Global Ordinance Project lasers just as it begins its orbit…
Will he die ? is the Stardust program doomed ? Will we never know if there is truly life on Mars ? or will Sir Richard Branson, Bowies’ old college room mate and one time rival in love turn the tables once again, leap across the Pentagon control room and Kung Fu kick the primary focusing crystal out of the activation chamber, a fraction of a second before the main coils discharge ?

Cool eh ? I think I will stay with David Craig in the role of Bond, Judi Dench as "M" and I’ll get David Bowie to play the role of David Bowie, or maybe Mick Jagger.
Beyonce Knowles will play the role of Iman (in 1979) and Iman will play the role of Grace Jones (in 1989).Then Grace Jones will play the role of Beyonce Knowles 2027. That massive tattooed Maori dude from the Mitre 10 Mega store ads can play the role of the bodyguard. (1979 and again as his own son in 2007)
I’ll play the role of Sir Richard Branson (1979) and Richard Branson will play the role of Sir Richard Branson (2007)

Shooting will start this fall. I’m still looking for an assistant director any suggestions ?

Goat Lover

Yet again I have been confounded by the fact that the BBC actually says and does the things it does.
If I for example were to say

Sudanese Goat Rapist forced to marry a goat

People might call me unhinged or even racist but here it is on the good old Auntie Bee

http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/ukfs_news/hi/newsid_4740000/newsid_4748200/4748292.stm

All joking aside What would You do ? right now I am assuming that you are not the actually Goat Lover, or a Goat Loving Sympathizer
(I hate that sort of person) But if you were the Town council Sort of person maybe even the local magistrate with traditional Tribal Elders powers .
The charge is Aggravated Goat Loving in the first degree.
What is your verdict ?
I can understand the $1500 fine which I reckon would be pretty steep for a Chadian dude too poor for a hooker but What’s with the marriage

What Does the goat have to say about this ?
isn’t it just compounding the crime to force the victim of this whole sordid affair into a loveless union with the man who abused her honor in the first place ? I would like to think that she would be better off with her own kind back in the field far away from the cities but now her chances of finding a decent Goat Husband are slim.

If as is the usually life cycle of domestic Goat its killed Barbecued with salad green into a delightful low carb Breakfast Lunch and Dinner. Isn’t it Sexual Homicide with Cannibalism with a Goat-Wife ?
What would they Do in Eketahuna ? Actually according to ancient law they would secretly kill the goat but never it is flesh bury it in a pit.
Then try to get the offender some sort of a human girlfriend type and never speak of it again. If he was to continuing in his offending exile him to a mental institution or secretly kill him but not eat his flesh, bury him in a pit and never speak of it again.

Movie Review The 300

Movie Review The 300

** ½
Rating; 2and a half Ninja stars


The swords ! Gasp ! the shields ! Swoon ! the bronzed pectoral muscles flex and sweat, Egad !
I decided to break with my frugal habits and see this movie on the big screen before the Chinese pirates wash all the color out. I’m glad I did the visuals are superb its a shame the rest didn’t follow suit
This movies has twisted through the cultural wasteland that is Hollywood and come back to us, once as a movie, once a comic book by the ghastly master Frank Miller. Once upon a time it may have even been a history about a tribe called the Spartans but after the entertainment machine has eaten its own dung so many times its difficult to be sure.
The true ancestor is not classical Greek history but Frank Miller’s own dreams and fantasies of the films he has seen. The look is very similar to the other screen version of this his comic book work "Sin City" which I enjoyed ( but not as much as the ground breaking comic.)
The story is solid enough and pretty straight forward. The Spartans are tough and cool, they have been invaded for no adequately explained reason by the Persians who are rich but decadent and possibly poofs.
Who can boil down a race and culture, classic heroes and massive wars to a few short minutes and show them true with only light and sound ? These guys certainly don’t and don’t even try.
I can buy the Armor plated Attack rhinoceros, I can even buy the Ancient magical hand grenades ( Lob’st now thine holy Hand Grenade ) but I cannot suspend my disbelief long enough or high enough to span the bizarre Persian King Xerexes and his hordes of mutants. The king himself appears to be 7 feet tall and a headline act for a Las Vegas night club, his servants are flabby freaks and his executioner appears to have cybernetic sword arms.
The rather weird spin on this movie has been the high geopolitical line taken by certain Iranian officials. With the amazingly successful global war on terror now into its 6th brilliant year some in Tehran are suspicious of Hollywood’s motives.
They need not worry Hollywood’s motives are what they have always been, purely mercenary. They are bagging Iran only in passing.
Miller is seeking out a sort of Death and Glory machismo that the Spartans seemed to have buckets of. The cold steel (or bronze) of combat especially against overwhelming odds is the antidote to the creeping plague of modernity. King Leonidas is hairy and virile he makes a point of not actually saying to his wife he loves her because he is so manly he doesn’t need to.
Hair appears to be a crucial marker of ones manliness and hence moral goodness in this pic. King Leonidas has the blackest beard but King Xerxes is bald, each of the Spartan soldiers can be measured in rank and coolness by the length and fullness of their whiskers. The Ephors for example, who are Spartan but corrupted priests have no facial hair at all, just plague boils and scrofula. The honest councilor has quite a respectable beard, trimmed a bit short but the evil traitor has an even shorter one.
The politics of the whole movie is far too mixed to be anything other than a mess, there is some talk of "freedom’ but it’s never explained.
The sad thing is that a real straight (no pun indented) telling of the story would have been much better. The real story is always tougher and harder but also better than anything even the most coked up Californian script doctor could ever invent.
In a straight retelling were the word Freedom is more than a cliché the brave Spartans would have some explaining to do about their own indigenous race of slaves, The Helots whom the Spartans would formally declare war on every year, giving the warriors citizens legal impunity to kill them as they pleased. As has been noted the passage to adulthood for a noble Spartan man would much more likely to be from murdering a helot farm hand than battling a dire wolf single handed.
A real dialogue between the Spartans and the Athenians would have been good to. They are referred to in passing as the "Philosophers and boy lovers" but you would have to go to ancient Sparta to get the real Greek institutional pederasty. We only really know of the Spartans through the Athenians, several frugal Athenian Philosophers idolized the tough Spartans but the Spartans themselves left us little. Their stories were told by others, like Frank Miller who would have been appalled if he actually had to live the Spartan life. History is written by the winners in this case the Athenians not the Spartans, Leonidas probably couldn’t even write.
Final verdict; 2 ½ Ninja stars, see it but don’t believe it

Easter time in China

Or,
"Christ has Risen ! Grab your Shotgun and follow Me !"

The seasons turn on and we find ourselves once again at the rather mysterious but delightful celebration of Easter, when we remember how our Lord & Saviour Jesus Christ rose from the dead through the miracle of the chocolate rabbit’s egg.
These are mysterious signs indeed and the whole Idea or Festival of Easter is a odd mix of symbols and feelings.
For a start;
for us New Humans living in New Zealand, Easter loses some of the Springtime festival feeling it enjoys in it’s native Northern Hemisphere.
Symbolism of death rolling on into life again is a little more optimistic in the spring than the autumn. Without the context the whole mixed bag of cultural symbols becomes frightfully confused. Change the space, physical or cultural and you change the message.
This puts me in mind of a Chinese Easter time,
A few years ago I was in South West China. Working for the Rand institute mainly, authenticating some bronze sculptures from the early Xia dynasty but I was also doing a bit of free lance research, investigating the effects of post-communist economic restructuring on brothels for Kerry Packer and the boys back in Sydney.
Anyway, long story short; one long sultry evening after work I was winding down with a chilled tsingtao beer, and a few skewers of barbecued pigs skin, in the company of a lovely young lady I will refer to as Tim-tam.
(You really have to go to Chongching to get the best barbecued pigs skin, I’ve tried making it at home but you just can’t get the spices.)
For some reason the conversation turned towards religion, I don’t know why maybe I was feeling home sick or
maybe it was the cumulative effects of thirteen servings of barbecued pig parts, 6 pickled eggs, a liter of lager plus 500gm of Mono Sodium Glutamate.
At any rate I said something like;

"Soon it will be Easter Tim-tam, that is the festival where Jesus dies and then comes back to life"

To which Tim-tam replies

"Ah yes I know like in that movie you make me watch
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD’ yes ?"

"No Tim-tam ! No ! Jesus is the Good coming back from the dead , Night of the living dead is the Bad coming back from the dead."

Tim-tam had no reply. She just sat there with a strange look on her face and barbecue skewer in her hand, trying to simultaneously digest both the concept and several deep fried sparrows.
I sympathized yet could not help her, I had about enough Chinese language to say

"I am a 15kg Taxi please "

I couldn’t really explain the metaphysical and physical differences between Resurrection and Reanimation in the colloquial dialect, I’m not sure I understand it myself .
I guess the real difference is the Soul.
It’s mentioned the Orthodox Nicean creed which is used at most Christian Churches, and states Jesus was Resurrected Body and Soul.
The complete package presumably with all his superpowers intact.
Zombies have been dragged back to a state of semi life or undeath without a Soul.
Ghosts and Spirits on the other hand have the opposite problem, a Soul but no real body.

Trippy eh ?

I think I'll eat some chocolate

The Robots are coming !

The Robots are coming !
Grab your Plasma rifles and run to the Hills !

Did you, like me, ever wonder where the 21st century got to ? You know the one I mean, the brave new world of jet powered rocket packs, hotels on the moon and Buck Rogers on Mars ? I thought that I had been promised a Jetsons hover car and a personal robot butler but here I am sitting in a wooden house with a tin roof and an internal combustion powered automobile.
Fear not brave adventurers ! The dawn of the Robotic age so long promised and long delayed may soon be upon us. However there will be a few bugs to be sorted out first and a few unexpected hitches along the way.
Check this out, the Times reports on Japanese attempts to get a handle on some of the issues that our plastic and silicon servants will bring with them.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article1620558.ece

Issac Asimov, the Sci-fi author and prophet of the Robotic world now seems a bit outdated and naïve. His 3 laws of Robotics now look like something a stone age king might have carved on a obelisk, nice and neat but hopelessly simplistic. For those who need it a quick update maybe in order;

Asimov’s three laws:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm
2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

All of which sounds logical enough. But its still smells to me like the rules a 18th century cotton plantation Master might write to "protect" his slaves. A Negro must obey all orders, a Negro may defend himself but not if it injures a white man and so forth.
Those pioneer science fiction writers and amateur philosophers saw the outlines, the promises and problems of a Robot world but couldn’t possibly see the width, depth, and flavor of the society which would finally make them.
We already have any number of computer controlled automatic systems, technically robots building, monitoring and controlling systems that are too difficult, dangerous, boring or expensive for humans to do but as long as they were in industry Joe Public didn’t really care. Now they are going to be in your home, sitting on your couch, lying in your bed driving your car.
What you gonna do when they come for you ?
Despite what "the Flight of the Conchords" have to say in their ground breaking song "The Humans are Dead", I’m not worried about a "Matrix" or "Judgment Day" style War of the Machines where the human race has to battle against their own creations. Humans will just try do each other in as they always have, just using robots instead of clubs as the tools.
The real problem of course is not the mechanical Robots but their fleshy masters, the ‘bots will do what they are told but what are we going to tell them to do ?
Naturally we will construct them as a we have with all our previous technology to fulfill our more basic needs namely,

Sex, Violence and (to a lesser extent) Food and Comfort.

All obeying a law much more powerful than Asimov’s; the Golden Rule.

He who has the Gold makes the Rules

Personal Fragrances

If you had to choose one, what would you like to smell like ?


Not for any particular reason I was scanning the shelves at a local department store when I noticed a new range of fragrances.
They were of a rather cheap variety, from the "Impulse" range. All of these new fragrances are themed for a particular city.
"Paris Chic" "New York Sass" "London Vibe".
I have never been to any of the cities in question, I suspect that many of the target consumers are in the same position. Yet for all my ignorance of these great metropolises, I cannot in my most freaked out dreams imagine that they smell anything like this. Not unless Paris has been swamped in synthetic fruit, London had been fumigated with Satan’s smelly socks and as for New York ! well the only vaguely plausible explanation for that funk would if the green slimy Ghost off Ghost Busters crapped all over Manhattan island.
So much for that experiment in metropolitan perfume but it raised in my mind the possibilities of perfume themes.
If you had to choose what would you smell like ?
Paris Hilton has an eponymous perfume. I have never bought it nor do I intend to. Paris H is probably the same but I think she has at least tried it. I haven’t but I like to think it would have the major aromas of Bacardi and Cocaine with subtle under tones of 5 Star Hotels and sticky knickers.
P Diddy, another pointless waste of space also has a fragrance out, I’m not likely to rush out to buy that one either, but I read that it smells like money, probably with just a hint of lawsuit.
I think that in the future everyone will have their own personal fragrance. They do already of course but these won’t be embarrassing ones. For me I will create;

Funkyfiend
by
Jacques Dee
"Be the Man you always wanted to be "

Major themes, Masculine Musk, Colombian Coffee,
Minor themes, Pizza,Meadows after rain, Patchouli, Cannabis oil,

What about yours ?

Could a dog be elected to regional council ? and if so, What would it’s constituency be ?

Following up on my Paean of praise for our delightfully hilarious boys "The Flight of the Conchords" (hereafter F.O.T.C.), I will now examine in greater depth an important issue raised in their song "The Bus Drivers Song". Namely,
Can a dog be elected to regional council and if so what would its constituency be ?
F.O.T.C are deeply concerned with the issues as they showed in their breakthrough song "Issues" but "The Bus Drivers Song’ is slightly different.
For those of you who didn’t follow my lead and steal as much F.O.T.C. material as fast as you could, a quick update is in order.
"The Bus driver’s Song" follows a lonely and lovesick bus driver as he takes a load of tourists through his home town, It’s a charming song full of feeling and the flavor of bucolic New Zealand and its’ rural idyll. Between the more melodious bits we get some deadpan dialogue…

"That’s the towns biggest industry, the local sock factory, hence the giant sock"

"That’s the "Bronzer Bluey" a local Sheep-dog who became a member of regional council, a bloody great day for dogs that, not just here but for dogs everywhere in the North Island.


Brilliant.
Like all great comedy the actual places and events referred to have more than a little basis in fact. The local landmarks could be from any one of a dozen rural towns, Dannevike for example has the sock factory. The statue of the Sheep-dog ( a border collie ) is near Lake Tekapo in the MacKenzie basin. He got this great honor not for being elected to council but just for being a great dog and a great role model for dogs everywhere, not just in the North Island but the South Island too, so that’s pretty comprehensive.

But could such a dog be elected to regional or any other council ?
Alas No. At least not yet.
Let’s face facts, of all the animals likely to be enfranchised, Monkeys, Apes and Dogs are the most likely choices. A few people may want to give the vote to cats and I would agree if we limit them to the Great Cats, Lions, Tigers, Leopards etc. but I will have to draw the line at house cats. They have shown themselves to be too lazy, irresponsible and untrustworthy for such an honor, when was the last time you heard of a cat getting a job ?
The main problem would be getting the animal on the ballot, after that the voters will have to examine each candidate on their merits and make their choice as best they can. Should the dog show a good work record, excellent character and a nice shiny coat then there is no telling how high he (or she) could go.
Currently however, dogs cannot be put on the ballot as they are not on the electoral roll, this is a severe impediment to any political career. Yet many dogs have respectable jobs in law enforcement, security, agriculture and entertainment to name just a few.
Which is more than can be said for many voting humans
Dogs are registered, tagged and policed. Human owners or companions are taxed on their dog friend’s behalf. There are entire sections of legislation concerning them and their behavior, yet they have no voice, bark or growl within the system. As the situation now stands, a dog can be put to death for offenses committed under the local body acts without a fair trial or any right to legal counsel.
A progressive government could and indeed must change this inequitable situation.
Dogs need their own representation, certainly at the local council level and maybe in Parliament as well.
Not all dogs obviously, we don’t want those crazy wild feral beasts messing up the carpet. What we need is a few well mannered doggies, maybe a guide dog or an airport sniffer dog to represent their species and give submissions on proposals that affect the dog community.
They won’t be on the General roll but on the Dog Roll ( neat eh ?) and therefore wont have to compete against, debate with, shake the hand or sniff the butt of any human candidates or voters.
Thus preserving and expanding our democracy into a brave new era of inter species cooperation and mutual respect.

Bob Woolmer Update

The investigation into the death of former England Cricketeer and Pakistan Coach Bob Woolmer continues and
little scraps of information continue to leak. Information such as the details of the autopsy and suspects.
Good police keep things close to their chest and much of the info currently in public circulation is likely to be wrong.
However as the days progress my death by Ninja theory is looking more rather than less likely.
Currently there is speculation that a towel may have been the murder weapon and that the killer(s) may have been disguised as hotel staff.
Police are still trying to trace several "hangers on’ associated with the various cricket teams
Both excellent Ninja techniques, blend into the area and use common found objects as weapons, then cover your tracks and disappear.
The reports that there were broken bones in the neck do work against my "Japanese Sleeperhold" as these injuries are a give away sign of strangulation. but it is a difficult technique and those CSI guys are hard to fool once they turn their freaky spotlights on a crime scene

Gnarley No ?

The African Anti-Ninja

Those who neither walk like a Ninja Nor Quack like a Ninja are no Ninja even though their name be Ninja

Spaceman Jack

Book of Dee Chp.3 Vs.9

More troubling news reaches our ears from Zimbabwe.
The nation’s economic situation is dire and many citizens are close to revolt.
One group that has been taking part in or will soon take part in the suppression of demonstrations is a black clad paramilitary Goon Squad called "The Ninjas".
At least 500 and up to 3000 Ninja warriors have been deployed from Angola into neighboring Zimbabwean territory. According to Jan Raath, the Times corespondent in Harare their reputation is not to be admired,

They patrol in pickup trucks, with mounted heavy machine-guns, and are notorious for their violence. "Angolans are terrified of them," an Angolan resident said.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article1550900.ece

These Ninja will reinforce President Mugabe’s own over stretched riot control forces. These thugs have been breaking up meetings, evicting residents of seized property and generally beating up opponents of President Mugagbe.
One thing that has always impressed me about Ninja is their code of ethics.
Among some Ninja clans they maybe more of a series of loose guidelines rather than a rigid code, but still they separate a wannabe Ninja from a true Ninja. They separate a fighter from a goon, a killer from an animal, maybe even a killer from a murderer.
Part of the Ninja style is that they were always the little people, the one that everybody ignored, peasants or lower caste laborers. You past them in the street everyday, they are around you all the time. They are the people doing the myriad little tasks that make things work. The difference between a Ninja and a everyday Joe is that they were they one who sharpened up their sickles, stole out at night and fought back against the man.
Any Ninja participation in the suppression of the common people must be considered a violation of this code. The Ninja have their bare hands, a few simple work a-day tools, sticks, rope maybe some small knives. It’s the Lords and Masters who come smashing down on the houses of the common folk with eviction orders and the Bailiffs.You don’t send a hundred Ninja to break up a political rally and bust some heads, any pack of Meatheads with a cudgels can do that. Ninja are silent and invisible, even if you detect them you, it will be after they are gone. A Ninja would carefully and cleanly dispose of the leaders of a rebellious organization and leave the others alive.
The actions of these so called Ninjas are a disgrace, not only to their fellow citizens but to all true Ninja.
They are the exact opposite of all that Ninja stand, fight, climb and sneak around for.
They are the Anti Ninja.
I therefore call on all like minded citizen, Type1 Humanoids and friends of Ninja-kind every were to support my petition to the Grandmasters of High Council of Shadows to have the Zimbabwean Ninja suspended from the commonwealth of Ninjas and their names struck from the Ninja roll.
Petition forms and Proxy Voting ballots will be distributed in the usual manner.

Bob Woolmer, Ninja Assassination ?

"If it walks like a Ninja and Quacks like a Ninja then it is a Ninja"

Spaceman Jack Dee

Book of Dee Chp. 3 Vs. 8

It has now been more than a week since the death of Bob Woolmer, former international cricket coach in the Pegasus Hotel Jamaica.
He was a man who I never met and was never likely to.
The world of international sports holds little fascination for me and the small part of that world which international Cricket occupies holds even less.
I was vaguely aware of the fact there must have been a coach of the Pakistani international cricket team, but I had no idea who that person might have been.
For me the most fascinating part of Bob Woolmer’s life was how it ended.
After initially confused reports about natural causes some facts are now clear, Bob Woolmer was murdered by manual asphyxiation in his hotel room and nobody has been arrested for this crime.
It's quite startling that a guest should be murdered in their suite in a hotel, where the security must have been high enough to meet the demands of a sporting event where nations such as India and Pakistan are present. But now the perpetrator ( singular or plural ) has disappeared and the witnesses and suspects continue to disperse around the globe.
In the hope of nothing other than stirring debate I will now put forth my opinions on the likely scenario that led to the Coach’s demise.
The use of strangulation is an interesting choice for murder, few people have the desire or confidence to attack a grown man with their bare hands ( even though Woolmer was 58 and corpulent he looked capable of defending himself ), that is if their motive was murder.
Tensions must have been running high after the team’s shock defeat to Ireland. After a few drinks a confrontation with fisticuffs would not have been out of the question. But if the attacker had fatal intentions they surely would have gone to the trouble with arming themselves with some sort of weapon, even if only a bludgeon.
The lack of a clear suspect, that is some body who freely admits to being in Woolmer’s room that evening and accosting him lead me to deduce that it was a premeditated attack.
But that leaves us with the premeditated of an international figure, in a high security zone, by an unarmed and unknown assailant who has (so far) eluded detection, identification and capture,
namely

A Ninja

All the element are there for a classic assassination with a carefully planned and executed assassination. With the correct disguise a team or staff uniform a trained Ninja could infiltrate the hotel and enter the coaches room. A good looking woman would have little difficulty enter the hotel even late at night, although this may be a little too high profile, pretty girls are easily remembered.
Then its just a matter of the precise details of the death.
Was it an ambush or did the assassin talk to him before the fatal moment ( pretty girl ) ? crucial to my theory is the exact method of "Manual Strangulation" as that rather judicious term used by the Police can mean a lot of slightly different things.
The classic "Japanese Sleeper Hold" compresses the arteries either side of the neck to produce first unconsciousness, then if the pressure is held for too long, Death.
If Hyoid bone of the neck are broken then this would tend to count against the Ninja explanation as this shows a degree of force applied to the front of the neck. But if there is no damage or only some bruising to the larynx then the theory fits.

I would not be too difficult for a trained Ninja to administer this "Big Sleeper Hold" especially if the coach was under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Without any other clues to the contrary it could appear like natural causes. Which is exactly how it was first reported. Only later more detailed examination revealed foul play.
As for Motive there appears to be no shortage. There are hundreds millions of dollars in dirty money flowing around the world of sports gambling, with a few very dirty customers attached to it. Examine the case of the late Hansie Cronjie. That loss to Ireland a few hours previous would have meant millions won or lost.
Did he betray his partners ? was he betrayed by them ?, I cannot say but I can say this much
Before this cases is cracked I am sure that a lot of very interesting facts and dark secrets will emerge from the world of International cricket and the unfortunate Bob Woolmer may not be its only victim.

Links

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Woolmer

The Flight of the Choncords

" You may not know this but in New Zealand we are actually quite famous"


Rating: 5 Ninja stars * * * * *

While they humbly refer to themselves as New Zealand’s third or fourth most popular Folk Comedy Novelty duo they are by far the most original, funny and unashamedly Kiwi entertainers since John Clarke became an Ozzie.
These dudes have had some good coverage recently appearing on our own glorious National Radio and beloved TV3. both world famous media giants within New Zealand. But expect to hear much more of them soon as some sort of TV series is happening.

For those who have not been introduced Jermain Clements & Brett Mc Kenzie basically play the characters of Brett & Jermain, dedicated but naive acoustic folk singers.
Their deadpan style is balanced with a delicate wit. Their songs are not just crude platforms for a stand up comedy routine each of the songs actually work as a real song should .
Some of my Personal favorites and tracks you might enjoy ;

'The Humans are Dead'
Inspired by and designed for a post Apocalyptic Robo-world where the human race has become extinct. A real rarity among post modern music it tries to see the situation from the Robot’s point of view.

"Bowie"
Here the boys really try to get under the Sequined Spacesuit of the grooviest of the Glam Rock Astronauts, David Bowie. circa 1973.

"She’s so Hot Boom !"
Turning up the power of the synthetic guitar & beatbox this number whips up the sweaty crowd on the dance floor with a wickedly hilarious spoof of Shaggy and his Jamaican home town crew

Links to the real deal

http://www.conchords.co.nz/

other Fan sites

http://www.whatthefolk.net/

http://www.conchords.net/

Kiwi Music Review

The last few years, indeed the last decade at least has seen a massive growth in Kiwi Art of all kinds, and in all manner of genres and styles.
What causes the introspective and isolated British colonials of last generation to become the proud and imaginative citizens of a New Pacific ? it’s difficult to say, a rediscovery of Pakeha uniqueness a general renaissance in Te Reo and Maori Tanga and many more things besides.
Included in this surge of quality and quantity is Cinema, Literature, Dance and Drama. But I feel that it is Kiwi Music that has gained the most from this new surge of enthusiasm, and so I will start with Kiwi music

As this Blog continues I feel the urge to branch out a little into the artistic realm, to offer the Blogosphere some of my perspective on some of the Artistic and Aesthetic Phenomena I have encountered.

In order to maintain my critical objectivity from the Media Moguls and because Spaceman Jack is a firm believer in Piracy I will neither buy albums (except if they are incredibly cheap), nor will I accept them free as gifts (except if they are from or by some I really like).
I may also steal a few things (except if the security is like way too tight and I might get busted).

Sea Monsters

"Are we getting closer or are they getting bigger ?"

This week New Zealand’s national museum Te Papa took possession of the frozen but very recent remains of a gigantic Sea Monster.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6453997.stm

The preserved remains of the deep sea monster will provide human scientist some of their best clues yet to unravel some of the many mysteries and questions of this bizarre life form Questions such as,
Where do they live ? What do they eat ? Are they actually getting bigger ? and perhaps the important question
How can we defeat them ?

They remains of such giant squid species like Mesonychoteuthis_hamiltoni have been recovered many times but always in poor condition. Most often mutilated in Sperm whale’s stomachs or decomposed washed up on shore.
Out of their normal medium of the high pressure depths of the ocean, the tissues of these creatures soon disintegrates when it comes to the surface.

The first picture is a rather well preserved example found by British scientists on the shore of the Ross sea in 2000. Low temperatures slow decomposition but the researcher were lucky to find it before scavengers did.
Note the Human to scale, this creature is about 2 meters long. But a dead specimen washed up on shore doesn’t really give a really impression of the speed and power they have underwater.
The second picture is a frame from some of the first ever video taken of these mysterious beasties by Japanese researchers in 2006.


The inky darkness gives no frame of reference so its virtually impossible to get a true idea of the size of this creature
It could be 3 feet away and a 20 kg cephalopod excellent for seafood treats, Calamari perhaps, or it could be 30 yards away and a 500kg monster, suitable for sucking the rivets out of a nuclear submarine.
In which case dinner is on you.

I think that the public must now be told the truth. Few will be ready for it but will be made ready by leaking stories such as this one through the Blogosphere. All these creatures are basically of the same species, encountered at different times of their life cycle. But recently the past 40 years or so they have been getting progressively larger in order to challenge man’s dominion over planet earth. Who knows how many lives they have claimed already ?
Many have disappeared in the Ross sea never to be seen or heard of again, fishermen mostly.
Just imagine the scene, as the crew of the steel hulled trawler haul the Monster up in the nets the creatures endeavors to drag them all down to the sunless depths.
We already know the basic squid and then later we discovered the Giant Squid, later on we get the Colossal Squid.
They are adapting to counter the human threat (and to fulfill ancient prophecies).
How much longer will it be before we encounter the Ginormous Squid and then the Humungous Squid and then Gods grace protect us
Cthulhu itself.

Later on Spaceman Jack;

Japanese Whalers, Friend or Foe ?

as the threat posed to New Zealand by Giant sea Monsters grow, what part does the mysterious Japanese Whaling fleet have to play ?

Cthulhu Rises Yet again

Just when you thought that it was safe to venture into the fridgid water off the Sunken city of R'yeath.
These Cthulhuoid creature sighting have become much more common lately as human population pressures drive the fishing crews further and deeper.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/2910849.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4288772.stm

Sending a message to all of my Friends

All of those readers who are familiar with the New Zealand political scene will how of course be well aware of Sue Bradford’s bill currently before the House.

To amend the something or other ? Actually its to repeal the defense of reasonable force in order to stop kiddies being beaten.
Exactly what it is supposed to achieve and exactly what it will achieve are two different things
Forgive me if I am a little vague on the details but I think that Ms Bradford believes that there is an undiscovered crime going unpunished.
Apparently none of the good parents will be harmed, prosecuted or harassed by social workers due to this new piece of legislation.
Only bad parents, for the evil doers have anything to fear from the righteous.
It would also appear to that only the amending of legislation could possibly save these children.
This is an all to typical example of the extreme left. They are mistaking symbolic action for effective action. Through their longs years of political protest many of the current batch of Left leaning MP have acquired some sort of monomania on "sending messages"
not real messages of course, such as "pick up more bread’ but vague metaphysical message from the community in general to nobody
in particular.

"We are sending a message that child abuse is no longer acceptable"

"We are sending a message to the Zimbabwean government "

"We are sending a message to all the green house gas emitters"

Who listens to theses messages ? Anybody who is likely to be swayed in their personal beliefs and then change their behaviors is not going to be persuaded by an act of parliament
Particularly not one of this sort. The law is meant to guide and direct behavior, to set specific limits, rewards and punishment, boundaries both literal and social.
If you want to send a message you the Email, newspapers Internet and all the other tools of Mass communication and propaganda.

I(f one is to be fair to the LabourClark administration, they have proved themselves masters of the new Propaganda )

What you should never do is start using Legislation to send messages.
We use Legislation to Build damns, declare war, raise taxes and burn heretics, not to send vague messages that everybody has already heard and those who need to hear it wont be listening anyway

There are no abusive parents in New Zealand who cannot be adequately dealt with by existing laws whether they be of the formal or traditional variety.
The current batch of Green MPs are actually sending messages for no other persons benefit than themselves

Spaceman Jack

Is it Okay to let my Girlfriend use my Hash Knife for Witchcraft ?

Kicking off our new Agony Uncle coloumn is this recently recieved letter;

Dear Uncle Jack; I have recently had a falling out with my lady over religion and cutlery let me explain. We have been together for a few years now and we have a lot in common, concern for the environment, Ledd Zeppelin, The Blue oyster Cult and moonlight rituals . Recently she said that she was going on a camping trip sort of girls night out for a few days and asked if she could borrow my Knife. It a real sweet Buck Skinner Model, fixed blade, carbon steel with a walnut grip.
It’s just the thing for slicing buds or blocks of hash up real fine.
So I said "Okay sure" before I discovered that she is going to be using it for one of her Wiccan rituals, I don’t want to be unreasonable but, I feel that I should put my foot down.

Any Advice ?

Concerned Disciple of Thanatos, Eketahuna South

Well D of Thanatos,
I would trust you instincts and refuse. I know she’s going to say that she will look after it and wipe it off after use. But there is no way to be sure that the Mother Goddess and all her initiates aren’t going to be enchanting and menstruating all over it. Then your knife will come back all Creepy and Voodooized. And that is the last thing you want your Hash knife.
I and indeed the whole Spaceman clan remember very well the ghastly events of the Thanksgiving of ’94 when I unwisely attempted to carve the festive turkey with a 19th century cavalry Saber that I had used in a Necromantic summoning only one moon previous. The rest of that night was something I would prefer to forget, it took 3 men to get it all down the waste master. Ever since then I have followed a hard and fast rule.
All tools used for Thaumaturgic, Surgical or Divination purposes are to be kept separate from others and used for that purpose only.
So if you want to avoid trouble with your old lady you could let her use the knife then make her a present of it and never touch it again.

Hope that helps

Agony Uncle

As I have been receiving an enormous number of letters and emails from people all over the world who have been desperate for my sage counsel and wise advice , well a very large amount of people have sought me out amount, actually a bit smaller than that but in all truthfulness there once was a person who did once ask me for some advice so in that spirit I now can launch my Blog based

Agony Uncle advice column

So if your troubled by any matter big or small then feel free to drop me, your Uncle Spaceman Jack a line via this Blog, all submissions will be treated with the utmost discretion

Moose downs Helicopter, or The Counter attack begins

Moose change tactics, targeting vulnerable Helicopter assets

first read this,

http://www.breitbart.com/news/2007/03/05/D8NM6H6G0.html

It is now clear that just as the wily and determined Viet Cong did a generation before in the jungles of South East Asia the insurgent Moose population is now doing in Alaska.
By switching it’s resources from skirmishes to attack vital helicopters hoping to turn the course of the battle their way. The pattern is quite clear, they study the tactics of the pilots, likely flight paths and then try to launch their attacks when the helicopter is at its most vulnerable such as in a hover or landing.
Using a novel suicide charge tactic this attack will cause some within the security community to sit up and pay attention.
Following heavy losses in prolonged fighting in Iraq which also has extracted a heavy toll on helicopters this story of changing tactics among the wild Moose population, will most likely be the cause of some concern within the Pentagon too.
Given the policies pursued by the current administration towards Environmental issues, we should not be surprised that a certain radicalized segment of the indigenous Moose population is willing to assert their rights through direct action against the Imperialist,
even at the risk of being labeled as radical Terrormoosts
I guess they are just feed up with being shot by fat white men in helicopters eh ?

The Moose is still on the Loose !

The Moose in question is still at large within the heavily forest area but has been identified as belonging to the Alces alces tribe or genus. No spokesman from this group has claimed responsibility for the attack A senior White house official refused to confirm or deny that they had worked with Al Queda in the past.
Of course many helicopters have been lost within areas of operation on anti Moose hunting and " scientific research " expeditions but these loses where always attributed to the weather or mechanical failure
This time helicopter was not destroyed but its only a matter of time before the escalation claims Human lives

Swizterland Invades Lichenstein !

A small company of Swiss soldiers invaded Lichenstein last night only to withdraw later when they discovered where they were.
This Geo-political move that has all the qualities of Monty Python engaging in European diplomacy whist high on Mushrooms. No details about their commanding officer were made availible, might I sugest
Lt. Von Munchausen ?
Lt D. Quixote ?

check it out at

Swiss in Liechtenstein 'invasion'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6415531.stm

"You Thought that grandma should be off the road" or "Superman has abandoned us" !

And you though your grandma was a bad driver well check this out from the BBC

US woman crashes into test centre

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6414003.stm

The title says it all after being ordered to resit her driving test the 80 year old Florida woman got of to a bad start when she crashed through the wall of the testing centre injuring 11 people.

Hilarious No ?

but wait the most disturbing part is right at the end

The videotape also shows a man in a Superman costume walking around the car, but he did not stop to help the driver or any of the victims. His identity is unknown.


I admit that it wasn’t exactly the greatest disaster ever but even Superman has abandoned us ! first 9/11 goes off without a hitch and now he cant even drag an old lady out of a car. These are desperate times for humanity

With Prime Numbers I'll Kick Your Ass

Is it just me or do you too think that prime number are considerably more groovy than their more readily divisible counterparts ?
Think about it, all the really cool integers are Prime.
3, very cool
5, not as cool as 3 certainly but a lot hipper than 4 which is totally square.
All the great teams and organizations are based on Prime numbers.
The Holy Trinity for example is Prime.
They would just be a joke if they turned up for business as the Holy Quartet, they would be laughed right out of the Pantheon. They might possibly work as the Holy Duality. There have been many important and successful Duets throughout history but there again we have the Prime. The ever popular 2 is the only even member of those funky numbers .
Think about it, "The Magnificent 7", A Prime number naturally.
First they were Samurai and only later did they become Cowboys.
In the Future they all became inter planetary freedom fighters in "Blake’s 7" where they fought for the BBC against the evil Federation.
They enjoyed a long career as Robots in 2000AD comics "The ABC Warriors". They also became a bunch of rather feeble Mercenaries in the forgettable "Battle Beyond the Stars".
But all though the centuries they realize that they have to remain 7 in order to harness the Prime Funkiness. They are never going to save the villagers or planetary colonists from the Banditos and Intergalactic pirates with 6 and 8 just wouldn’t be cool enough.
Now I know what you are thinking,
The evenly divisible "Fantastic Four " right ?
Well basically the Fantastic Four suck and I think we all need to acknowledge that fact. Not only would the Magnificent 7 kick their ridiculous Superhero asses even Enid Bylton’s the Famous 5 and Secret 7 would do them in as well.

13 is another great Prime number. You may hate it you may fear it but you have to respect the number 13. Jesus appreciated this. He of course had 12 apostles but with his own presence he wisely took the number in his crew to the very formidable 13. He wouldn’t have been nailed up by the cops if Judas hadn’t betrayed them and taken the number down to an embarrassing and rather pathetic 12.
Witches covens are traditionally 13 that’s more of a guideline than an actual hard and fast rule but you just know they are going to get more work done as 13 than 12 or a flabby and over weight 14.
11 might work some good Prime magic it certainly works for Cricket and Football teams. Rugby Union is therefore a bit of an anomaly at 15 which can be evenly divided by the ever reliable 3 and 5. But let us not forget that the Rugby 7’s is a considerably faster and more exciting game than the traditional 15.

In summary, if you want to really get the job done either do it yourself ( going solo) take 1 mate along ( the duo ) or form a Trio Triad or Triumvirate. But what ever you do always stick to the Primes for ultimate in full on Funky Effects.

Top 5 Super Villain Monikers, "Or who is the Bishop ?"

Its well appreciated in this global market place that if you want to sell, then The Brand is the thing. That’s true if your exporting Apples or Terror.
In this fast paced world with new products entering the marketplace and things blowing up every day Consumers need a clear and direct brand to associate with the product in order that its not lost in the background.

A memorable nickname or "Nom de’ Geure" is essential if you want to get the credit

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/251166,CST-NWS-bomber10.article

Here is a link to a little story about a small man with a big problem, he likes to send bombs in the post. He has adopted for himself the rather grandiloquent moniker of "The Bishop". Now clearly that’s going a bit far he’s not even a priest yet.
But how do you get a groovy name ? Some people get to choose their own but most people get labeled by the masses or the popular press. So my advice is get in early or miss out as all the really cool nicknames have already been taken.

So here are my top 5 Super Villain Monikers


1 Carlos The Jackal

2 The Unabomber

3 Jack the Ripper

4 The Red Baron

5 Stalin ( Steel )

Ninja vs Zombie

Of all the scenarios that have given me cause one to ponder
In Games both intellectual and physical and entertainments both popular and refined we find ourselves coming particular again and again to confrontations fights that pit strength against speed or brute force against cunning.
for me the confrontation embodies that question perfectly is

Who would win in a fight of Ninja versus Zombie ?

It this fight the master of the stealth martial arts, the Midnight Black cloaked Ninja is pitted against a Classic of the Undead the Zombie.
Who will triumph ?
Its important that we get some of the details fixed before we start the fight to avoid any confusion later.

The Ninja

The Ninja will be a fully trained and equipped, they aren’t exactly a Ninja Master but they are no novice either.
As a veteran of veteran of a few missions this Ninja warrior is adept in the Martial Arts. Some of the more well known eastern martial arts such as Judo and Karate, allowing an unarmed Ninja powerful strikes and blocks.
They also have some experience in the lesser known skills of Ninjitsu, years of training in these skills have trained this Ninja in skills such as escape and evasion in both urban and rural settings and torture for information and revenge .
Lets us also say our Ninja champion is a male aged 25 years with good physical fitness. He comes from a Japanese rural village, he is above average for the population in intelligence and height, at about 175 cm. tall. His weight is a robust 70 kg. We can allow him another 10kg gear that could be 5kg clothes or food and another 10kg of Ninja equipment and he would still only be about 90kg.
Exactly which weapons he will choose for his mission will be critical

The Zombie


The opponent,
A category 1 human "Necro" Zombie ( Humanoid ) *
Either recently reanimated from fresh or recently released from a high quality storage facility.*
With similar height and weight about 173cm and 70kg.
Of course the non gender pronoun "It" more correctly describes the Zombie rather than "He" or "She" As the former sexual human organs are now necrotic, this creature now only "reproduces" through the Infection.
It carries no equipment or weapons and is capable of using only the most primitive tools. However Its filthy jagged Finger Nails and Teeth make potentially lethal weapons.

The Fight


Obviously difficulties arise should the Ninja not wish to engage the Zombie in combat. With greater speed and dexterity all other things being equal the Ninja should be able to choose the time and place of the fight. Unless his had is forced by circumstances or terrain the Ninja can easily evade the clumsy and staggering "Walking Dead".
No such problem exist for the motivation of the Zombie, hateful of all life it will relentless seek to spread the infection.
But that doesn’t make for much of a fight. For the sake of a scenario we will assume that by order of the Ninja’s master a certain door must be opened and all beyond it in a room a man waits, A guard perhaps, He must be killed. This man never eats never sleeps and never leaves.

The Ninja will soon find to his dismay that many of his traditional Ninja tricks are of little use. Being Undead the Zombie is immune to pain and fear, making any Ninja mind tricks will futile.
Many of the most devastating Martial Arts attacks would be also be useless, Pressure points attacks at vital meridians are only learnt and described for humans.
Even the Ninja’s fabled ability to seem to disappear would be threatened by the Undead innate sense of the living

Here the Ninja selection of their main weapon of attack will be crucial. Traditional favorites such as Shuriken Throwing Stars, Chains, Nun-chukkas flails and such forth would be useless against an enemy that neither needs air or has vital organs to puncture.
Only the Brain and the spinal cord are vital and both are heavily protected.
Because they can only be stopped by destroying the brain or severing the spinal cord a human male has little to no chance of inflicting the sort of damage needed to stop a Type 1 Zombie if he is relying on Kung Fu type attacks alone .
Even the horrific back breaking reversed crab attack is successful in breaking the spine at its base the Zombie will only lose the use of its Legs .
any striking or grappling with it increases the likelihood of contamination.
The obvious Ninja type weapon that might be up to the job is the Straight Sword or Ninja-to with a blade of about 24 inches its perfectly capable of decapitating this enemy.
But only if he find this weakness will the Ninja win
In conclusion

The Winner

Ninja wins 5 to 1
so to make it a fair fight the Ninja needs to face off against at least 5 Zombies