Saturday, October 18, 2008

Movie Review: Motocross Zombies from Hell !




Yes that's right kids they're not just Zombies they're Motocross Zombies !
Where do they come from ? Is it California ? Is it Alaska ?
No you foolish mortals they come from Hell !

I must say that shopping for DVDs (and everything else) in China is a very different experience than shopping back home. It's not that it's bad because sometimes you can get some really great stuff at excellent prices, it's just that it's unpredictable and inconsistent. Sometimes you can get some real gems and sometimes a real turd. In the DVD stores porn can be thrown on to the rack next to Disney or a Charlie Chaplin comedy next to a BBC documentary on global warming.
What is here today can be gone tomorrow and things are often not what they seem. So when I saw "Motocross Zombies from Hell" at the local DVD pirates' lair I got it but I wasn't holding out much hope for a cinematic masterpiece.
But I was intrigued. This concept could be quite a breakthrough in the field of Zombology, like Sauramans' Uruk Hai crossing Orcs and Men, Zombified Motocross riders could be devastating. Imagine it, an undead army that could cross great distances over rough terrain at high speed. Plus the Motocross uniform would disguise their identity and the helmet would provide protection against the Zombie stopping head shot.
But
make no mistake this isn't "Citizen Kane" it's an independent low budget schlock horror. There was no modern Orson Welles slaving away to make a new cinematic paradigm with this baby, although it would be amusing to imagine if there was;
"The postmodern nature of the Mechanistic Motocross shall be thrown into stark relief by the Primordial Atavistic nature of the Zombie !"
But to give credit were credit is due a young and rather inexperienced cast do some solid work carrying a barely conceived plot along and selling themselves as Californian dudes and gear heads. Technical effects and stunts are adequate and do a bit to lift the overall production value of the piece.
I will let the movies' own website spare me the tedious task of summarizing the plot, so here it goes;

Up and coming motocross racer Cody is on the hottest winning streak of his short career…a streak that threatens to unseat the undefeated riders on Team Skullz. Little does Cody know that this team's riders have an edge, they are zombies! Cody and his tuner Tom and friend Lori get more than they bargained for when during the biggest motocross race of the season the zombies and their un-dead manager Ivan target them for elimination of the deadliest kind.

And that is pretty much it as far as the plot goes. There is an escape to a ruined spooky building in the middle of the desert an inconclusive battle with the Zombies and then it's all over. It gave me the impression of project that collapsed half way through, maybe the money ran out or maybe the crew just got bored and walked out. The Un-dead manager Ivan only gets one scene, he is introduced, acts all creepy and then we never see him again. There is no climax, no final show-down between the forces of good and the powers of rottenness. They don't even defeat the Zombie riders to win the Trophy save their lives and ride off into the sunset. 2 out of 3 of the main characters survive the night time Zombie assault and then stagger off into the sunrise. Roll credits. Align Center
Final Judgement 2 Ninja stars **

Hey ! whats with all the Zombies ?

To kick off my newly relaunched Spaceman Jack blog I am introducing a new feature, the Zombie Movie Review of the Week where I hope to give an in depth review both cultural and technical of one of the movies from my now burgeoning Zombie DVD collection.
but before I launch into my premiere Zombie review I will take the time to answer some (anticipated) readers questions, firstly

Hey Jack whats up with all the Zombies ?

That's a good question hypothetical reader, why don't I spend equal time examining the cinematic examples of other undead monsters such as Vampires or Ghosts ? Because Zombies are the perfect monstrous metaphor for our times. Unless you are a corporate lawyer or work on Wall Street you will probably never meet a bona fide Vampire, but Zombies on the other hand are everywhere. They are in your schools, churches and offices, they are cooking your food and fixing your car, TV is absolutely stuffed with them. They infest every country in the world and their numbers are growing everyday.
Look outside the window right now, Yes You ! look outside the window Right NOW ! Do you see those people shuffling aimlessly from place to place with dull eyes and unintelligible speech ? They're Zombies, every last one of them. They don't know if they are alive or dead they don't even remember what its like to be human, maybe they were human once but then they got bitten by some other Zombie and now its all over.

Wow you seem to be really into Zombie Movies, you must really like Zombies.

Hell No ! Mr or Mrs Hypothetical reader, I hate Zombies ! I fear and despise them. I am into Zombies the same way that a Doctor is into gangrene or the Pentagon is into Osama bin Laden.
I study them only in order to recognize and destroy them.

Oh my God ! that sounds scary what can I do to protect myself and my family ?

That's a good question increasingly hypothetical reader, but fear not ! By regularly reading this blog you have taken an important first step in protecting yourself from the Zombie menace. In upcoming posts you will learn how to identify and distinguish the major types of Zombies, how to destroy even the toughest of Zombies and how to Zombie proof your home against the coming nightmare Zombie apocalypse. Good luck ! here are a few other websites that should get you in the right frame of mind
Rotten library Zombies

Jack is Back !

Yes that's right kids, Jack is back and in full effect.

I could spend a bit of time coming up with some dishonest excuses why in spite of my promises I haven't posted for more than a year. Such excuses would include shifting residences (both countries and several apartments) erratic broadband and the great firewall of China, not to mention a rather difficult 8.0 magnitude earthquake.
All of which are true but the as usual the simplest explanation is usually the best and I will have to put it down to good old laziness. There is another thing too which is a little more difficult to explain, I like the concept of blogs and I really enjoy reading everyone elses but I have often have a certain reluctance writing them, maybe its a privacy thing but I am sometimes worried about what the people I know will think about what I say about who to whom. Or possibly what I say to whom about what, maybe even whom I say to what about who.
Hells Cowbells ! (hat tip Bubbajay) I'm an English teacher now I should know all of this grammar crap, if it wasn't for the spell checkers I wouldn't even be writing intelligible English. In response to this little problem I have come up with a solution that appeals to my somewhat bifurcated world view.
I will simply split my blog in two, posting some sort of content on one and certain styles of content on the other. Think of it as a tangible metaphor of the left brain right brain split, the physiological fact that lies at the center of so much of humanities brilliance and madness.
This blog "Spaceman Jack" will be the right side, creative, imaginative and holistic, my other blog "East is West" will be the left side, rational analytical and sensible.
well thats the idea anyway let's see which side will dominate !