Warbirds, movie review

Warbirds

The Final Battle has Begun...

In this episode Spaceman J is shifting gears slightly from the usual diet of rotting Zombie flesh and going for something a little less putrid.
"Warbirds (2008) is not exactly a movie and not really a TV show. This piece of work was made for the Sci-fi channel and apart from Chinese piracy I doubt if it's available anywhere else other than utorrent download. I wasn't expecting much but the concept intrigued me,
What is almost as exciting as a world wide Zombie invasion ? World War II ! What is almost as scary as being attacked by a horde of stinky re-animated corpses ? An attack by a flock of scaly resurrected Dinosaurs !
So when I saw this disc down at the pirates' lair I thought;
"Brilliant ! An example of the little known genre of WWII vs The Dinosaurs, only 8 yuan worth every kuai ".
But oh ! how wrong I was. Let's get the setup out of the way first before we plunge into the battle...

The year is 1945, the place somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. In the final stages of WWII an isolated Imperial Japanese island base is excavating new fortifications when they discover something strange. On the other side of the war, an all female flight crew delivering a new B-29 bomber to the front line is diverted to carry out a secret mission of the utmost importance.
The bomber, piloted by Lieutenant Maxine Hotbody West (Jamie Mann) but commanded by Colonel Jack Heroic Toller is forced down due to some unusual damage right into the heart of that mysterious island.
Then what happens ? Well to give the writers some credit they don't mess around with the tedious process of plot exposition or finely finessing character development, they get straight down to business, namely;
They get attacked by flying Dinosaurs ! Bloodily and repeatedly attacked by massive flying dinosaurs both in the air and on the ground. To save themselves and their mission the Americans try to forge an alliance with the few surviving Japanese and plan an escape using the bases' Zero fighters.
That is were it started to lose me. Suspension of disbelief is a funny thing, sometimes you buy it and sometimes you just don't. An all female flight crew I believe, they actually did that during the war. A flight crew made up entirely of gorgeous women always in spotless uniforms, perfect makeup and luscious lipstick ? Sure why not it's a movie. Flying Pre-historic monsters ? I can buy that after all what was Godzilla ? But when we discover that this team from the Miss Teen America beauty pageant are also crack fighter pilots in Japanese Zeros things start to get stretched too far. Before you comment yes I know the picture is of American P-51 Mustangs and not Japanese Zeros but that discontinuity is the least of our problems.
Air to air combat between WWII era fighters and Pterandons has got to be more one sided than this, What was the top air speed and altitude of a Zero fighter ? I looked it up, a Zero could do 500 kmp.h and had a ceiling of above 5000m, not to mention the guns. Fighting a flying reptile would be like an F-16 fighting a 9 meter albatross. And there are hundreds of these things, what do they all eat ? Coconuts and fish ?
The final insult to credulity is the manner of the the Dinosaurs' destruction. What is their top secret mission ? what is the mysterious object in the bomb bay that must be delivered at all cost ?
Why it's an A-bomb of course ! Not just an A-bomb but THE A-bomb destined for Hiroshima, the most potent weapon yet created and the most expensive object on the planet is hanging like a sack of potatoes in the bomb bay, fully armed and primed to go at the pull of a lever.
Now that's ridiculous.
Giving credit where it is due the CGI effects are certainly well done and give a good look to the monsters and external shots of the aircraft. I guess the technology has advanced to the point where even a pooch like this can get some nice looking work done cheaply. The interiors still look like plywood sets knocked up in a garage though.
It is almost as if the producers wanted to get a certain retro 1950s giant monster B-movie feeling going but didn't have enough belief in their own material, they couldn't sell it and I don't buy it.

Final verdict: 2 Ninja Stars **

Blake's 7 TV review

For me one of the great joys of broadband internet has been re-discovering some of my favorite old TV shows and introducing some new friends to these old classics. For me one of the best has always been Terry Nation's BBC space opera classic Blake's 7 now available at blistering fast download speeds from our friends on utorrent.

B7 ran for 4 series from 1978 to 1981 but all of this stuff you can read on Wikipedia anyway so lets get down to Spaceman Jack's contribution.
I am halfway through watching series 2 for the first time in probably 20 years and it stands up pretty well in the 21st century a time of CGI Sci-fi and digital downloads. The cardboard and plywood special effects of the BBC that feature in B7 are so very familiar to fans of Terry Nation's other big success Dr Who. Bits fall off control panels and sets wobble visibly as the actors touch or move around them. In the debut episode the Federation freighter looks like the bastard child of a papier-mache bathtub and a shoebox hanging on strings. On this space ship the command "Engage engines Time distort 5 !" means "Remove handbrake, Light 5 fire-crackers out the back tube and hold on tight !"
Anyway that old tub takes Roj Blake, Kerr Avon, Vila Restal and the rest of the gang of convicts to prison planet for life but fate intervenes. Through a series of unlikely plot twists this group of Rebels, Criminals, disaffected intellectuals and telepathic aliens gain control of The Liberator, a super fast and super sweet advanced tricked out Alien Spaceship. Thus equipped do our gallant heroes Sallie forth like Robin Hood robbing from the rich fighting the system shooting at the cops and blowing shit up, but in space.
Actually its the costumes that really mark this as space opera from the 70's check this out.

Nice threads dudes ! The eponymous Blake is under the delusion that balloon sleeves are the way to go this season, not only make you look bigger in the event of a hostile encounter but they can also slow your rate of descent in the case of a severe fall.
Costume designers with few exceptions have decided that future clothing means synthetic plastics, sometimes to and outlandish degree. (Watch season 2 episode 7 the killer and see if you like the triangular brown vinyl suits ).
But on the other hand Servalan was probably the best dressed Space Villainess yet encountered witness this outfit....

Isn't she delightful ! Just the thing for a summers day massacre. By the way the weapon in her hand is a standard issue Federation Blaster pistol and is capable of a rate of fire of 2 firecrackers per minute. The 2 bodyguards in black acrylic are Mutoid slaves, a sort of cybernetic vampires made from humans mind wiped by the Federation sort of thing. They obey their master's every sordid whim without question, drink plasma and wear BDSM gear.
But its not just about nostalgia, I am really enjoying coming back to this old show. What made B7 different was the dark style of the writing, that made it a nice antidote to the millennial Federation of Gene Roddenbury's Star Trek. For B7 the core is rotten, the center cannot hold and mere anarchy is set upon the universe. Here alliances are temporary, friendships are rare and treachery is common.
So very 21st century Enjoy !

Final rating: 5 Ninja stars * * * * *

American Zombie

My god its been more than a month and I said that I'd do one of these a week ! well I could do a Zombie movie review a week and still have 6 months of material before I have to get a new one but I think I can be a bit selective.
After the last Motocross Zombie piece of dog shit it's time for a real slice of Gold with American Zombie directed by and starring Grace Lee. Grace Lee is apparently something of a star in the USA west coast independent underground fringe documentary film making scene. I wouldn't know as it would appear that America is now producing more film school graduates than automobiles.
I read that her debut effort was called "The Grace Lee project" where she tracks down and interviews all the Asian women she can with her name. Great idea I'd wish I though of it(I love Asian women too).
I don't know much about the LA documentary film scene but one thing I do know is Zombie movies and this one is a real winner, it uses some of the old predictable tropes of a mockumentary but actually comes up with something rather more interesting and thoughtful.
The plot goes like this; LA has a small but growing population of Zombies, or revenants as the politically correct like to call them. This isn't a George Romero zombie plague, there are three classes of Zombie; the high functioning group who have full human personalities and mind but no memory of their lives before death, a low function group who are mindless and speechless and the Feral.
We follow four of these high functioning Zombies and see what their Un-lives are like, we have Ivan a low rent slacker who works the night shift a convenience store (he doesn't sleep), Judy a rather sad woman who scrapbooks ands dreams of romance, Lisa a florist who is trying to find some meaning to her existence through new age spirituality and string art.
Then there is Joel crucial for the story Joel is the organizer of Z.A.G. the Zombie Advocacy Group who are agitating for reanimated people who are now starting to demand their (human ?) rights. It's a great concept the un-dead as an oppressed minority. They even have their open air festival Live-dead an annual get together but what goes on there ? what is the freaky secret behind the Zombie movement ?
Check it out you wont be disappointed

American Zombie: rating **** 4 Ninja stars

Official website: American Zombie

other reviews and info: Horror movie review at About.com

Review at IMDb

Movie Review: Motocross Zombies from Hell !

Yes that's right kids they're not just Zombies they're Motocross Zombies !
Where do they come from ? Is it California ? Is it Alaska ?
No you foolish mortals they come from Hell !

I must say that shopping for DVDs (and everything else) in China is a very different experience than shopping back home. It's not that it's bad because sometimes you can get some really great stuff at excellent prices, it's just that it's unpredictable and inconsistent. Sometimes you can get some real gems and sometimes a real turd. In the DVD stores porn can be thrown on to the rack next to Disney or a Charlie Chaplin comedy next to a BBC documentary on global warming.
What is here today can be gone tomorrow and things are often not what they seem. So when I saw "Motocross Zombies from Hell" at the local DVD pirates' lair I got it but I wasn't holding out much hope for a cinematic masterpiece.
But I was intrigued. This concept could be quite a breakthrough in the field of Zombology, like Sauramans' Uruk Hai crossing Orcs and Men, Zombified Motocross riders could be devastating. Imagine it, an undead army that could cross great distances over rough terrain at high speed. Plus the Motocross uniform would disguise their identity and the helmet would provide protection against the Zombie stopping head shot.
But make no mistake this isn't "Citizen Kane" it's an independent low budget schlock horror. There was no modern Orson Welles slaving away to make a new cinematic paradigm with this baby, although it would be amusing to imagine if there was;
"The postmodern nature of the Mechanistic Motocross shall be thrown into stark relief by the Primordial Atavistic nature of the Zombie !"
But to give credit were credit is due a young and rather inexperienced cast do some solid work carrying a barely conceived plot along and selling themselves as Californian dudes and gear heads. Technical effects and stunts are adequate and do a bit to lift the overall production value of the piece.
I will let the movies' own website spare me the tedious task of summarizing the plot, so here it goes;

Up and coming motocross racer Cody is on the hottest winning streak of his short career…a streak that threatens to unseat the undefeated riders on Team Skullz. Little does Cody know that this team's riders have an edge, they are zombies! Cody and his tuner Tom and friend Lori get more than they bargained for when during the biggest motocross race of the season the zombies and their un-dead manager Ivan target them for elimination of the deadliest kind.

And that is pretty much it as far as the plot goes. There is an escape to a ruined spooky building in the middle of the desert an inconclusive battle with the Zombies and then it's all over. It gave me the impression of project that collapsed half way through, maybe the money ran out or maybe the crew just got bored and walked out. The Un-dead manager Ivan only gets one scene, he is introduced, acts all creepy and then we never see him again. There is no climax, no final show-down between the forces of good and the powers of rottenness. They don't even defeat the Zombie riders to win the Trophy save their lives and ride off into the sunset. 2 out of 3 of the main characters survive the night time Zombie assault and then stagger off into the sunrise. Roll credits.

Final Judgement 2 Ninja stars **

Motocross Zombies from Hell official Website

Hey ! whats with all the Zombies ?

To kick off my newly relaunched Spaceman Jack blog I am introducing a new feature, the Zombie Movie Review of the Week where I hope to give an in depth review both cultural and technical of one of the movies from my now burgeoning Zombie DVD collection.
but before I launch into my premiere Zombie review I will take the time to answer some (anticipated) readers questions, firstly

Hey Jack whats up with all the Zombies ?

That's a good question hypothetical reader, why don't I spend equal time examining the cinematic examples of other undead monsters such as Vampires or Ghosts ? Because Zombies are the perfect monstrous metaphor for our times. Unless you are a corporate lawyer or work on Wall Street you will probably never meet a bona fide Vampire, but Zombies on the other hand are everywhere. They are in your schools, churches and offices, they are cooking your food and fixing your car, TV is absolutely stuffed with them. They infest every country in the world and their numbers are growing everyday.
Look outside the window right now, Yes You ! look outside the window Right NOW ! Do you see those people shuffling aimlessly from place to place with dull eyes and unintelligible speech ? They're Zombies, every last one of them. They don't know if they are alive or dead they don't even remember what its like to be human, maybe they were human once but then they got bitten by some other Zombie and now its all over.

Wow you seem to be really into Zombie Movies, you must really like Zombies.

Hell No ! Mr or Mrs Hypothetical reader, I hate Zombies ! I fear and despise them. I am into Zombies the same way that a Doctor is into gangrene or the Pentagon is into Osama bin Laden.
I study them only in order to recognize and destroy them.

Oh my God ! that sounds scary what can I do to protect myself and my family ?

That's a good question increasingly hypothetical reader, but fear not ! By regularly reading this blog you have taken an important first step in protecting yourself from the Zombie menace. In upcoming posts you will learn how to identify and distinguish the major types of Zombies, how to destroy even the toughest of Zombies and how to Zombie proof your home against the coming nightmare Zombie apocalypse. Good luck ! here are a few other websites that should get you in the right frame of mind
Rotten library Zombies

Jack is Back !

Yes that's right kids, Jack is back and in full effect.

I could spend a bit of time coming up with some dishonest excuses why in spite of my promises I haven't posted for more than a year. Such excuses would include shifting residences (both countries and several apartments) erratic broadband and the great firewall of China, not to mention a rather difficult 8.0 magnitude earthquake.
All of which are true but the as usual the simplest explanation is usually the best and I will have to put it down to good old laziness. There is another thing too which is a little more difficult to explain, I like the concept of blogs and I really enjoy reading everyone elses but I have often have a certain reluctance writing them, maybe its a privacy thing but I am sometimes worried about what the people I know will think about what I say about who to whom. Or possibly what I say to whom about what, maybe even whom I say to what about who.
Hells Cowbells ! (hat tip Bubbajay) I'm an English teacher now I should know all of this grammar crap, if it wasn't for the spell checkers I wouldn't even be writing intelligible English. In response to this little problem I have come up with a solution that appeals to my somewhat bifurcated world view.
I will simply split my blog in two, posting some sort of content on one and certain styles of content on the other. Think of it as a tangible metaphor of the left brain right brain split, the physiological fact that lies at the center of so much of humanities brilliance and madness.
This blog "Spaceman Jack" will be the right side, creative, imaginative and holistic, my other blog "East is West" will be the left side, rational analytical and sensible.
well thats the idea anyway let's see which side will dominate !

Time for this Spaceman to Fly !

Spaceman Jacks' jetpowered rocket pack is fueled up and ready for blast off. he's not gone for ever though as he will be reappearing as the slighly saner Jack Dee in a politically flavoured travel blog

The East is West

hope to see you there

Bowling Alone, Book Review

Bowling Alone
The Collapse and Revival of the American Community

Robert D Putnam
Simon & Schuster 2000

* * * * * 5 Ninja Stars

Time to kick it sideways a notch with Spaceman Jacks inter-disciplinary and inter-planetary sociological book review Phase 1.
I came across this fascinating piece of work at The Warehouse book sale remainder clearance bin for the remarkable low price of NZ$ 1.97. Which is cheap even for a notorious cheap bastard such as myself.
It was some where between "The Back Street Boys Annual 2000" and the "Batman Returns" colouring in book.
Don’t let the discounting of this particular copy dissuade you how ever, it was the only copy there and it was most probably the last of a much larger batch.
"The collapse of the American Community" was the phrase that grabbed me because I am always interested to here about the when were and how of the U.S.A going the way of Carthage and the Dodo.
But this is no latter day lamentations of Jeremiah preaching the fall of the Second Roman Empire or Babylon on the Potomac.
Robert Putnam is a serious and dedicated sociologist plotting the curves of the graph of American civil society, and for at least the last 30 years the graphs have been curving down.
"Social Capital" is the key term throughout and the title phrase "Bowling alone" is its key metaphor.
Social Capital is the idea that all social networks have value, not just a vague metaphysical value but real tangible value, people with better social links are happier and live longer wealthier and more productive lives.
As for the bowling part of it, more Americans are actually bowling but fewer and fewer are doing it together in clubs and leagues.
All across the country participation in all manner of clubs, groups and voluntary organizations is falling. Generally speaking the curve goes something like this, from modest beginnings at say 1900 memberships rise slowly but steadily, there is a dip during the great depression, and then another drop during the war years. After that there is a major rise in participation till about the late 60’s early 70’s when things plateau. Then the rot sets in the early 80’s and its been down hill ever since. Its not just the formal clubs and associations like the Masons, Rotary or the boy Scouts either. The decline is general, less people getting together for dinner parties and card games less people chatting with the neighbors even less people bothering to stop at red lights.
As a balance to these falling numbers we have a rising curve of lawyers, police officers and security guards. As the general level of trust within a community falls professionals are recruited to fill in the gaps that used to be taken care of, to a greater or lesser extent by the community. As each member of the community feels that they are surrounded more and more by thieves and cheats the less likely they are to trust and work for the common good themselves, a vicious cycle is created were everyone will try to get theirs’ first.
It’s a classic of the social dynamic, the prisoners dilemma, the tragedy of the commons, if we all wait in line we will all get served, eventually but those who jump the queue get served first, enough people try to cut in line then the whole system collapses.
There are many objection that serious minded academics raise to these sorts of statements, representative sample sizes, correcting for race, age education. All these objections and many more are raised and explained.
Putnam’s research is voluminous and persuasive his references are meticulous and massive.
The only real area where this work falls down is the second half of the title the, Revival part of the "Collapse and Revival of the American Community "
It’s certainly not half of the work, the details of the collapse take up 22 chapters while the revival gets only 2. Its not event direct evidence of a revival it’s more like a few little pieces that might be promising signs of a revival. I guess that Dr. Putnam is just trying to be optimistic. He’s a loyal American and I respect that but here his loyalty overwhelms the hard nosed investigation that is so strong in the rest of the book.
What he is giving us is the hope or possibility of a revival not any direct evidence that it is happening.
Its important to remember that this is from 2000 before the epoch making 9-11 so things have moved on a lot. But to what end ?
The big hope of Dr. Putnam is the Saguaro Seminar a brain trust of prominent persons trying to come up with ways rebuild America’s failing stocks of social capital.
The second stage of Dr. Putnams’ project is now available on line
"Better Together" which your friendly Spaceman has downloaded as is working his way through and will report back on just as soon as he can be bothered.

Glimore Girls The Final Episode TV Review

*** Three Ninja Stars

In which Spaceman Jack dissects the Final Gilmore Girls experience into this sociological treatise,
Stars Hollow quaint Idyll or dystopian Nightmare ?

Gilmore Girls (herein after GG) has ended as I suppose it had to do eventually, Rory (Gilmore Girl 2 ) after turning down the marriage proposal of the rich, young and eminently eligible Logan Huntsburger in the penultimate episode has now flown off as a junior reporter to follow the Barak Obama campaign.
Lorelai (Gilmore Girl1) while not walking down the aisle in white with the hard working and mucho masculine Luke, clinched him in the end as she was overwhelmed by his consideration by throwing a massive surprise Bon Voyage party for Rory .
Nice, well nice enough in so far as it’s not actually bad. Some things were left out, basically a deeper analysis of their world. I know that I have a rather bad tendency to treat TV as if it were the real world, but shows like The Gilmore Girls have worked hard to position themselves in a fictional universe that is a close parallel with the actual one. If you get yourself a good "Fiction Filter" I think you can go some way to divining a certain amount of truth about the American condition from them. They don’t tell you exactly who or what the Americans are but they can tell you a little about who they think they are and who they wish to be. Consider this;
At the heart of the GGs’ dynamic was the upper class mother and grandmother Emily Gilmore. This formidable WASP struck a bargain early on with her wayward daughter. Desperate to give the young Rory a chance at the Ivy league education which is the ticket to Elite Status, Lorelai goes to her mother who agrees to pay the bills in return for a cast iron agreement that both junior GGs turn up for Friday night dinners at the senior GG’s palatial home. An excellent example of exchanging financial capital ( hard cash money )for social capital (time with your family )
Rory’s best friend is the delightful Lane Kim (played by Keiko Agena) the daughter of the tough and hard working Mrs. Kim. A Christian Korean migrant who runs an antique store. Rory and Lane grew up together and were at the small public school until the mother’s bargain was struck and at that point their lives and fates diverged. Lane continues as a waitress in Luke’s diner follows her passion for Rock music marries the goofy but kind hearted guitarist Zach gets married and has twins.
Rory leaves the public school goes to the exclusive Chilton Academy and is on the track for the Ivy league big time. Rory turns down the chance of marriage for career.
There we are, social status, family, fertility and economic power in America all played out for you on the small screen.
But were is the justice? were is the meritocracy ? Rory is smart enough for the big league but then so is Lane. Mrs. Kim is hard working and morally upstanding while Mrs. Gilmore is vain and venal. But without the old money and connections behind them the Kims will never get to the upper crust. The GGs are bank rolled by the vested interests but the Kims are not so they will have to stay down at least for a few more generations.
This is America.

Movie Review Sleeping Dogs

**** Four Ninja Stars

One from the digital vaults This brand new DVD is a fine release of Roger Donaldson's dystopian view of New Zealand gone on a Fascist bender. It’s production was a historical moment for Kiwi cinema and it’s a forgotten political firecracker. The story behind the story is fascinating but rather long so I will leave that for later.
I never saw this at the movies so I came to it almost as fresh piece and I it feels 30 years later first a political story, any action, drama or love story was definitely second, So I’ll give you the Political story first,
The familiar and idyllic Kiwi landscape of New Zealand in the mid to late 70's usually has such a calming effect on me, viewed through rose tinted lenses of Childhood nostalgia of but here there is a weird feeling of a parallel time exists another life never lived, I continuously wondered, Could have this have happened ? Was this our past ?
A Nearly-New Zealand has Oil shock Hyper inflation, Labour Unions threatening a general strike the Fascist Special Police bully boys are out on the streets so it's more than a little scary.
Viva La Revolución !
Love story comes second, so here it is Sam Neil is the young father Smith who leaves the lovely wife and charming kiddies after some martial events and returns to the land.
As dirt grubbing a farmer on an island some where in the midst of Maoriland he gets involved in the bigger picture. He's busted by the Special Police for something he didn’t do and didn’t care about. For all the boyish good looks of Sam Neil, Smith is no Che Guevara, he gets involved in everything in such a half arsed way I can't call him our hero he's just a protagonist. Pity that he's such a selfish little asshole really. But in compensation for the generally weak acting effort there are so many little pieces of Kiwi life that looking back 30 years are( For the Kiwi veiwer ) priceless, we see a land deal done with local Iwi that wouldn't get through our political Commissars today
"Give the old man at the Marae a bottle of whiskey !" Indeed !
On the minus side some of the ledger some all the nuances and subtle touches of feeling that turn good movies into great cinema are lacking. But on the plus side it is remarkable to consider the film commission funding and The RNZAF aircraft, How both were obtained considering the subject material ?
The RNZAF contributions were the Iroquois helicopters and Staring in an ground attack role the A4K Skyhawk* which, with rocket pods and determination blasts some Communist Heretics to Hell.
The making of the movie which features Roger, Sam Geoff Murphy and the cast and crew 30 years on is another odd parallel time track. Same people same place and same the events are just dissected differently by the players 30 years later.
Price well ? a weird feeling of a parallel time track exists here too. What could have happened ?
It is worth noting that Red China is manufacturing this and selling it to you via the Warehouse for only $9.99
So Viva La Revolución



*Military Aerospace enthusiasts such as Spaceman Jack will note that the jets used are the older RNZAF A4K. This was before the Kiwi’s small wing of Skyhawks got an entire avionics upgrade. You can tell the difference by the lack of the Dorsal hump on the later models.

And so it came to pass, The Role Play Gamers Ruled the Earth…

Whilst trawling through some Liberal (American style) magazines I came across this little number which I recommend to all my Gaming buddies.
http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/2007/07/10/alternative_reality_games/index.html
The idea of a role playing type simulation to model the real events for training or education is not new of course. It rather reminders me of an interplanetary civilization, The Empire of Azad that Spaceman Jack visited in one of his Astral expeditions.
The human author Iain M Banks covered the subject in his book "The Player of Games"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Player_of_Games
The empire is ruled by an elite who gain their positions by playing in a series of game tournaments. The evil empire is then brought down by the eponymous Player who literally beats them at their own game.
Now we have the technology all we need is a gigantic pot of coffee, plenty of chips and dips. All those who have not the skills to Game on into the new millennium will be our slaves forced to work in our underground Pizza factories and Red Bull refineries

Bwaa-Wha-HaHa ! ! ( That’s my evil empire laugh )

Spaceman Jack is blasting off to the Far East (again)

Those of you who know a little of the secret origins of Spaceman Jack Dee, ( and I know that there are at least 2 of you out there) will also know that he is rather interested in the Orient and has spend some time in China.
Well I’m blasting off again early September. The first part will be attending a few things commemorating the life and legacy of a great New Zealander, Rewi Alley. Unfortunately few of the younger generation have heard of him but in the best "good keen man" Kiwi tradition he helped out a lot of children in some of the poorest areas of China.
I will be going to Beijing, Lanzhou Shanghai and Rewi Alley’s old school in Shandan, Gansu province. Then if all goes smoothly off to Chengdu, Sichuan province to meet some old friends and do my bit teaching English.
I will post more on this exciting development later, in the mean time, ponder this;

Where did the US Marine Corp. battle cry "Gung Ho !" come from ?
All will be revealed in the next exciting episode of Spaceman Jack

Live Earth Saves the World, I didn’t watch it and here’s why

Here I am getting all political and it’s exactly what I wasn’t going to do with this blog. The massive Live Earth concert is now over and I didn’t watch a damn thing from it. It was a fortuitous conjunction of politics and utter disinterest. Nice really to have one’s political convictions dovetail so nicely with doing nothing. It wasn’t even that I objected to the gross distortion of a very important message by self serving and profligate rock stars although that was certainly worthy of consideration.
I heard that Snoop Dog ( an utter punk and disgrace to the planet ) had a particularly grotesque blinged out microphone that would have done Tutankhamen proud, but even that is only a part of the story for me.
This whole sorry story is just an excuse not to do anything and not to get involved. The utter maximum that this series of media events requires Joe Public to do is go to a rock concert. Political participation has been reduced to passive entertainment.
It's no good saying that these celebrities and entertainers raise consciousness or highlight causes or bring in the uninterested youth, they may do that but at a price.
Their price is this; "Entertain Me, Amuse Me, Stimulate My jaded psyche". If the price for getting the younger generation to get involved is massaging the inflated egos of Rock stars and Gangster Rappers then I would sooner they didn’t even try.
This sort of activism is soporific not stimulating and utter poison to a democracy. It places celebrities of questionable intelligence and dubious morals as the spokespersons of global issues that they have no understanding of or dedication to. Lets face it, if Bono was so desperately concerned with Darfur he would move there, either with a rifle or a shovel in his hand (take your pick Bono, no pun intended) and actually do some work. Bono looks like a decent enough man but he is dedicated to his own celebrity first. He will do a lot for Africa but he will do a lot for himself as well. And that really is the whole weakness of these charity events they have to serve the rich first so the poor will always be beholden to them.

And now I feel a bit of scripture coming on, stop me if you’ve heard it before but it goes a little something like this

" And so I say unto thee;
When thou say thine prays be not like the Pharisees who pray at the street corner, for they have already had their reward,
When thou say thine prays go unto thine private place for the Lord God will see what thy do and he shall reward thee "

The Decline of western Civilization Part III, Paris Hilton.

After evading Law enforcement officials across the state of California wanted criminal celébutante and fashionista Paris Hilton is back behind bars.
I go out of my way to avoid celebrity gossip, the coke fiends, the break up dramas, the adoptive parents of entire third world tribes, all seem to be a very slightly more sophisticated version of the endless chatter of a high school clique.
But there is something about Paris Hilton that really gets to me. I’m not talking about gets to me like raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens. It’s more that fingernails on blackboards or vinegar on cold-sores sort of a feeling, she really is that bad. But what is it about Paris Hilton that annoys me so much ?
I certainly hope that its not just some sort of jealousy conversion reaction, whereby I slag her off but actually want her or want to be her. I think I can safely say that I don’t find Ms Hilton physically attractive and I am comfortable enough in my own skin don’t want hers.
I didn’t really expect that Hilton was going to behave in an exemplary fashion in lockup. Even just shutting up and keeping her head down would be too much for her, let alone showing some sort of individual initiative by getting a gang together and through a cunning ruse tunneling out from the exercise yard from a disguised wooden horse. But even with my very low expectations I was disgusted by her feeble and half-arsed escape attempt.
Getting out on a medical is a time honored tradition of the penitentiary. Witness the infamous Australian thug and some-what author Mark "Chopper" Read. He sliced off his own ears just to get a transfer to better accommodation, a place with more afternoon sun, where he wouldn’t get stabbed so much. ( Recent research has revealed that there is a claim that the ear cutting incident was just to win a bet, still tough though)
But Paris just cried for 2 days then got her own psychiatrist to write the Sheriff a note, it’s just pathetic, no way to get you bragging rights in the weights room.
However there is an up side, now with a bit of luck she will do the full 45 days.

But to para-phrase my old master Obi wan Kenobi

"Who is the greater fool ?, the fool or the fool who writes about her in his Blog ?"

The Gilmore Girls

Gilmore Girls TV Review

What is it that draws me back time and time again to the charmingly quaint New England town of Stars Hollow Connecticut ?
Is it thirty something yummy Mommy with a rack, Loreli Gilmore played out with a strange manic style by Lauren Graham or is it the disarming cute Rory Gilmore played in a rather understated fashion by the petite Alexis Bledel ?
It could even be some of the minor characters Lane Kim (Keiko Agena) the repressed Korean girl who yearns to be a punk rocker or Kirk (Sean Gunn) the small town's lovable but bizarre jack of all trades, I would actual rate him higher than Luke Danes ( Scott Patterson) as an enjoyable character to watch. But it is first and foremost a chick show which means excessivly elabrate romantic entangelments.
Luke is the macho love interest of the MILF Lorelai, working class Luke is hairy, manly and runs a small humble but clean and honest diner in town.
The other love interest is the Rory’s father Christopher Hayden (David Sutcliffe) he is cute, some what sissy but seriously rich. He inherited a pile of money from somebody and does some sort of finance thing.
I was some what disturbed when I discovered during my research for this article that the whole thing was conceived with help from the Family friendly programming forum the F.F.P.F. which is part of the Association of National advertisers or A.N.A. The representative body of marketers in the USA all of which smells like fascist state propaganda . Creating the programs according to their own code can eliminate the thereat of advertisers boycotts and who the hell actually writes the agenda for these quasi judicial bodies anyway ?.
The main tensions in the life of Loerlai are her strained relationship with her parent especially her mother Emily Gilmore (Kelly Bishop) as the third of the "Gilmore Girls" their mother represents all of the old school Protestant family values that the precocious and rather slutty Lorelai rebels from. She left her palatial family home after becoming pregnant and chose the road of a single mother over that of a Ivy leaguer ( Seven Sister ).
Up to the point where solo Mummy arrives back on the door step of her old school mother to beg for the serious dosh required to get her own daughter Delightful Rory the Harvard education she so desparately wants. And so the power of capitalism brings the family together.
The keys to the gates of power in the New Republic (east coast ) are the degrees and diploma of the educational institutions and the contacts they represent. These gates are guarded by those of the exact same class whose interests the serve just like the A.N.A & the F.F.P.F.

It is now cancelled cut, over and done with final episode aired in the States may 15th it now belongs to history

Parasite Hilton

I was feeling I little low on Saturday, you know the feeling, drained of energy, with too many things to do and not enough time to get it done. Looking with a touch of despair upon the sadness of the world.
Then I read that Paris Hilton is going to jail and I bucked right up.
Hooray ! I thought, it couldn’t happen to a more deserving woman.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no class warrior intent on knocking down the rich and famous just because they are rich and famous.
I’m an educator, and I know of no other person more desperately in need of an education than this young lady.
Judging by the effectiveness of her previous lessons this one will need to be delivered old school. 45 days in the slammer may seem a little harsh for driving while disqualified but its rather light for driving while being a ghastly parasite sucking the life blood out of society.
I’m no thug either, I have no interest in seeing anyone brutalized while in prison, such lessons are rarely effective anyway, I’m an intellectual so I would rather see her totally freaked out. That’s they way to deal with this sort of trouble maker. So rather than pairing her up with a 100 kg gangster cell mate with a sharpen tooth brush and a bad attitude I recommend a different approach.
To reform Paris Hilton I would recommend a cell mate, maybe a burglar maybe a hooker from the other side of the tracks. But make sure she is a talkative one. Let the millionaire heiress socialite celebrity ( are any of those actually jobs ?) hear for 23 hours a day the tales of desperation, poverty, fear and starvation. Picking coins out of the gutter, scraps out of dumpsites and the hard graft needed just to keep body and soul together on the mean streets.

That’s an education

James Bond Vs David Bowie

My latest Brilliant Idea ( No.17), is a movie bringing together Sex, Violence, Spaceships, Rock & Roll, Kung Fu and Politics, now ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages (actually everyone over 17 ) Spaceman Jack in association with Freakytime productions now presents a Jack Dee Joint

The Island of Major Tom





"I heard a Rumour from Ground Control"

Featuring; James Bond Vs David Bowie

Secret agent 007 is sent to investigate and infiltrate a mysterious island in the Caribbean (or Pacific depending on the budget). Home to a now reclusive Rock & Roll Movie-star, played by David Bowie. After he announced his retirement in the late 90’s this multimillionaire superstar is rarely seen, only whispered and speculated about. Is he mad ? Where does his money really come from? Has he had cosmetic surgery ?
The major governments with satellite surveillance know more, and they are starting to get worried. There is a lot of traffic on the island’s airstrip, the high speed executive jets apparently used to transport celebrities look suspiciously like fighters and what is that large North Korean construction crew doing deep in the island central volcano ?
Rumors also abound in the popular press and the gossip sheets about the statuesque ebony beauty Iman, Bowies’ favorite wife and mother of some of his several children. They say she first grew bored with her husbands eccentric ways and then with his isolated life style. She yearns to return to the bright lights and celebrity scene of the worlds great cities.
The London spymaster "M" employs Bond to good effect as she sends the irrepressible poon hound on the trail of Bowies’ Negro Supermodel wife, intent on playing her against Bowie.
After tracking Iman down to a Pairs fashion show, Bond drops some "truth serum" into her gin & tonic, electrocutes her bodyguard with a "Q" section cattleprod disguised as 2 chopsticks and hooks up with her in the laundry cupboard of a Parisian hotel.
Bowies’ secret surveillance of his wife has picked this all up. The body guard recovers and a satiated and sleeping Bond is clubbed, tied up and flown to The Island as a prisoner…

how will it end ? I can’t say for sure but I think Bowie will start by frying Bonds testicles with a laser, or at least attempting to do so, there has to be a few hairs breath escapes
The climatic death scene is also very important. I think the climax will be when George W Bush shoots David Bowie’s space ship with his Global Ordinance Project lasers just as it begins its orbit…
Will he die ? is the Stardust program doomed ? Will we never know if there is truly life on Mars ? or will Sir Richard Branson, Bowies’ old college room mate and one time rival in love turn the tables once again, leap across the Pentagon control room and Kung Fu kick the primary focusing crystal out of the activation chamber, a fraction of a second before the main coils discharge ?

Cool eh ? I think I will stay with David Craig in the role of Bond, Judi Dench as "M" and I’ll get David Bowie to play the role of David Bowie, or maybe Mick Jagger.
Beyonce Knowles will play the role of Iman (in 1979) and Iman will play the role of Grace Jones (in 1989).Then Grace Jones will play the role of Beyonce Knowles 2027. That massive tattooed Maori dude from the Mitre 10 Mega store ads can play the role of the bodyguard. (1979 and again as his own son in 2007)
I’ll play the role of Sir Richard Branson (1979) and Richard Branson will play the role of Sir Richard Branson (2007)

Shooting will start this fall. I’m still looking for an assistant director any suggestions ?

Goat Lover

Yet again I have been confounded by the fact that the BBC actually says and does the things it does.
If I for example were to say

Sudanese Goat Rapist forced to marry a goat

People might call me unhinged or even racist but here it is on the good old Auntie Bee

http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/ukfs_news/hi/newsid_4740000/newsid_4748200/4748292.stm

All joking aside What would You do ? right now I am assuming that you are not the actually Goat Lover, or a Goat Loving Sympathizer
(I hate that sort of person) But if you were the Town council Sort of person maybe even the local magistrate with traditional Tribal Elders powers .
The charge is Aggravated Goat Loving in the first degree.
What is your verdict ?
I can understand the $1500 fine which I reckon would be pretty steep for a Chadian dude too poor for a hooker but What’s with the marriage

What Does the goat have to say about this ?
isn’t it just compounding the crime to force the victim of this whole sordid affair into a loveless union with the man who abused her honor in the first place ? I would like to think that she would be better off with her own kind back in the field far away from the cities but now her chances of finding a decent Goat Husband are slim.

If as is the usually life cycle of domestic Goat its killed Barbecued with salad green into a delightful low carb Breakfast Lunch and Dinner. Isn’t it Sexual Homicide with Cannibalism with a Goat-Wife ?
What would they Do in Eketahuna ? Actually according to ancient law they would secretly kill the goat but never it is flesh bury it in a pit.
Then try to get the offender some sort of a human girlfriend type and never speak of it again. If he was to continuing in his offending exile him to a mental institution or secretly kill him but not eat his flesh, bury him in a pit and never speak of it again.

Movie Review The 300

Movie Review The 300

** ½
Rating; 2and a half Ninja stars


The swords ! Gasp ! the shields ! Swoon ! the bronzed pectoral muscles flex and sweat, Egad !
I decided to break with my frugal habits and see this movie on the big screen before the Chinese pirates wash all the color out. I’m glad I did the visuals are superb its a shame the rest didn’t follow suit
This movies has twisted through the cultural wasteland that is Hollywood and come back to us, once as a movie, once a comic book by the ghastly master Frank Miller. Once upon a time it may have even been a history about a tribe called the Spartans but after the entertainment machine has eaten its own dung so many times its difficult to be sure.
The true ancestor is not classical Greek history but Frank Miller’s own dreams and fantasies of the films he has seen. The look is very similar to the other screen version of this his comic book work "Sin City" which I enjoyed ( but not as much as the ground breaking comic.)
The story is solid enough and pretty straight forward. The Spartans are tough and cool, they have been invaded for no adequately explained reason by the Persians who are rich but decadent and possibly poofs.
Who can boil down a race and culture, classic heroes and massive wars to a few short minutes and show them true with only light and sound ? These guys certainly don’t and don’t even try.
I can buy the Armor plated Attack rhinoceros, I can even buy the Ancient magical hand grenades ( Lob’st now thine holy Hand Grenade ) but I cannot suspend my disbelief long enough or high enough to span the bizarre Persian King Xerexes and his hordes of mutants. The king himself appears to be 7 feet tall and a headline act for a Las Vegas night club, his servants are flabby freaks and his executioner appears to have cybernetic sword arms.
The rather weird spin on this movie has been the high geopolitical line taken by certain Iranian officials. With the amazingly successful global war on terror now into its 6th brilliant year some in Tehran are suspicious of Hollywood’s motives.
They need not worry Hollywood’s motives are what they have always been, purely mercenary. They are bagging Iran only in passing.
Miller is seeking out a sort of Death and Glory machismo that the Spartans seemed to have buckets of. The cold steel (or bronze) of combat especially against overwhelming odds is the antidote to the creeping plague of modernity. King Leonidas is hairy and virile he makes a point of not actually saying to his wife he loves her because he is so manly he doesn’t need to.
Hair appears to be a crucial marker of ones manliness and hence moral goodness in this pic. King Leonidas has the blackest beard but King Xerxes is bald, each of the Spartan soldiers can be measured in rank and coolness by the length and fullness of their whiskers. The Ephors for example, who are Spartan but corrupted priests have no facial hair at all, just plague boils and scrofula. The honest councilor has quite a respectable beard, trimmed a bit short but the evil traitor has an even shorter one.
The politics of the whole movie is far too mixed to be anything other than a mess, there is some talk of "freedom’ but it’s never explained.
The sad thing is that a real straight (no pun indented) telling of the story would have been much better. The real story is always tougher and harder but also better than anything even the most coked up Californian script doctor could ever invent.
In a straight retelling were the word Freedom is more than a cliché the brave Spartans would have some explaining to do about their own indigenous race of slaves, The Helots whom the Spartans would formally declare war on every year, giving the warriors citizens legal impunity to kill them as they pleased. As has been noted the passage to adulthood for a noble Spartan man would much more likely to be from murdering a helot farm hand than battling a dire wolf single handed.
A real dialogue between the Spartans and the Athenians would have been good to. They are referred to in passing as the "Philosophers and boy lovers" but you would have to go to ancient Sparta to get the real Greek institutional pederasty. We only really know of the Spartans through the Athenians, several frugal Athenian Philosophers idolized the tough Spartans but the Spartans themselves left us little. Their stories were told by others, like Frank Miller who would have been appalled if he actually had to live the Spartan life. History is written by the winners in this case the Athenians not the Spartans, Leonidas probably couldn’t even write.
Final verdict; 2 ½ Ninja stars, see it but don’t believe it

Easter time in China

Or,
"Christ has Risen ! Grab your Shotgun and follow Me !"

The seasons turn on and we find ourselves once again at the rather mysterious but delightful celebration of Easter, when we remember how our Lord & Saviour Jesus Christ rose from the dead through the miracle of the chocolate rabbit’s egg.
These are mysterious signs indeed and the whole Idea or Festival of Easter is a odd mix of symbols and feelings.
For a start;
for us New Humans living in New Zealand, Easter loses some of the Springtime festival feeling it enjoys in it’s native Northern Hemisphere.
Symbolism of death rolling on into life again is a little more optimistic in the spring than the autumn. Without the context the whole mixed bag of cultural symbols becomes frightfully confused. Change the space, physical or cultural and you change the message.
This puts me in mind of a Chinese Easter time,
A few years ago I was in South West China. Working for the Rand institute mainly, authenticating some bronze sculptures from the early Xia dynasty but I was also doing a bit of free lance research, investigating the effects of post-communist economic restructuring on brothels for Kerry Packer and the boys back in Sydney.
Anyway, long story short; one long sultry evening after work I was winding down with a chilled tsingtao beer, and a few skewers of barbecued pigs skin, in the company of a lovely young lady I will refer to as Tim-tam.
(You really have to go to Chongching to get the best barbecued pigs skin, I’ve tried making it at home but you just can’t get the spices.)
For some reason the conversation turned towards religion, I don’t know why maybe I was feeling home sick or
maybe it was the cumulative effects of thirteen servings of barbecued pig parts, 6 pickled eggs, a liter of lager plus 500gm of Mono Sodium Glutamate.
At any rate I said something like;

"Soon it will be Easter Tim-tam, that is the festival where Jesus dies and then comes back to life"

To which Tim-tam replies

"Ah yes I know like in that movie you make me watch
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD’ yes ?"

"No Tim-tam ! No ! Jesus is the Good coming back from the dead , Night of the living dead is the Bad coming back from the dead."

Tim-tam had no reply. She just sat there with a strange look on her face and barbecue skewer in her hand, trying to simultaneously digest both the concept and several deep fried sparrows.
I sympathized yet could not help her, I had about enough Chinese language to say

"I am a 15kg Taxi please "

I couldn’t really explain the metaphysical and physical differences between Resurrection and Reanimation in the colloquial dialect, I’m not sure I understand it myself .
I guess the real difference is the Soul.
It’s mentioned the Orthodox Nicean creed which is used at most Christian Churches, and states Jesus was Resurrected Body and Soul.
The complete package presumably with all his superpowers intact.
Zombies have been dragged back to a state of semi life or undeath without a Soul.
Ghosts and Spirits on the other hand have the opposite problem, a Soul but no real body.

Trippy eh ?

I think I'll eat some chocolate