Warbirds, movie review

Warbirds

The Final Battle has Begun...

In this episode Spaceman J is shifting gears slightly from the usual diet of rotting Zombie flesh and going for something a little less putrid.
"Warbirds (2008) is not exactly a movie and not really a TV show. This piece of work was made for the Sci-fi channel and apart from Chinese piracy I doubt if it's available anywhere else other than utorrent download. I wasn't expecting much but the concept intrigued me,
What is almost as exciting as a world wide Zombie invasion ? World War II ! What is almost as scary as being attacked by a horde of stinky re-animated corpses ? An attack by a flock of scaly resurrected Dinosaurs !
So when I saw this disc down at the pirates' lair I thought;
"Brilliant ! An example of the little known genre of WWII vs The Dinosaurs, only 8 yuan worth every kuai ".
But oh ! how wrong I was. Let's get the setup out of the way first before we plunge into the battle...

The year is 1945, the place somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. In the final stages of WWII an isolated Imperial Japanese island base is excavating new fortifications when they discover something strange. On the other side of the war, an all female flight crew delivering a new B-29 bomber to the front line is diverted to carry out a secret mission of the utmost importance.
The bomber, piloted by Lieutenant Maxine Hotbody West (Jamie Mann) but commanded by Colonel Jack Heroic Toller is forced down due to some unusual damage right into the heart of that mysterious island.
Then what happens ? Well to give the writers some credit they don't mess around with the tedious process of plot exposition or finely finessing character development, they get straight down to business, namely;
They get attacked by flying Dinosaurs ! Bloodily and repeatedly attacked by massive flying dinosaurs both in the air and on the ground. To save themselves and their mission the Americans try to forge an alliance with the few surviving Japanese and plan an escape using the bases' Zero fighters.
That is were it started to lose me. Suspension of disbelief is a funny thing, sometimes you buy it and sometimes you just don't. An all female flight crew I believe, they actually did that during the war. A flight crew made up entirely of gorgeous women always in spotless uniforms, perfect makeup and luscious lipstick ? Sure why not it's a movie. Flying Pre-historic monsters ? I can buy that after all what was Godzilla ? But when we discover that this team from the Miss Teen America beauty pageant are also crack fighter pilots in Japanese Zeros things start to get stretched too far. Before you comment yes I know the picture is of American P-51 Mustangs and not Japanese Zeros but that discontinuity is the least of our problems.
Air to air combat between WWII era fighters and Pterandons has got to be more one sided than this, What was the top air speed and altitude of a Zero fighter ? I looked it up, a Zero could do 500 kmp.h and had a ceiling of above 5000m, not to mention the guns. Fighting a flying reptile would be like an F-16 fighting a 9 meter albatross. And there are hundreds of these things, what do they all eat ? Coconuts and fish ?
The final insult to credulity is the manner of the the Dinosaurs' destruction. What is their top secret mission ? what is the mysterious object in the bomb bay that must be delivered at all cost ?
Why it's an A-bomb of course ! Not just an A-bomb but THE A-bomb destined for Hiroshima, the most potent weapon yet created and the most expensive object on the planet is hanging like a sack of potatoes in the bomb bay, fully armed and primed to go at the pull of a lever.
Now that's ridiculous.
Giving credit where it is due the CGI effects are certainly well done and give a good look to the monsters and external shots of the aircraft. I guess the technology has advanced to the point where even a pooch like this can get some nice looking work done cheaply. The interiors still look like plywood sets knocked up in a garage though.
It is almost as if the producers wanted to get a certain retro 1950s giant monster B-movie feeling going but didn't have enough belief in their own material, they couldn't sell it and I don't buy it.

Final verdict: 2 Ninja Stars **

American Zombie

My god its been more than a month and I said that I'd do one of these a week ! well I could do a Zombie movie review a week and still have 6 months of material before I have to get a new one but I think I can be a bit selective.
After the last Motocross Zombie piece of dog shit it's time for a real slice of Gold with American Zombie directed by and starring Grace Lee. Grace Lee is apparently something of a star in the USA west coast independent underground fringe documentary film making scene. I wouldn't know as it would appear that America is now producing more film school graduates than automobiles.
I read that her debut effort was called "The Grace Lee project" where she tracks down and interviews all the Asian women she can with her name. Great idea I'd wish I though of it(I love Asian women too).
I don't know much about the LA documentary film scene but one thing I do know is Zombie movies and this one is a real winner, it uses some of the old predictable tropes of a mockumentary but actually comes up with something rather more interesting and thoughtful.
The plot goes like this; LA has a small but growing population of Zombies, or revenants as the politically correct like to call them. This isn't a George Romero zombie plague, there are three classes of Zombie; the high functioning group who have full human personalities and mind but no memory of their lives before death, a low function group who are mindless and speechless and the Feral.
We follow four of these high functioning Zombies and see what their Un-lives are like, we have Ivan a low rent slacker who works the night shift a convenience store (he doesn't sleep), Judy a rather sad woman who scrapbooks ands dreams of romance, Lisa a florist who is trying to find some meaning to her existence through new age spirituality and string art.
Then there is Joel crucial for the story Joel is the organizer of Z.A.G. the Zombie Advocacy Group who are agitating for reanimated people who are now starting to demand their (human ?) rights. It's a great concept the un-dead as an oppressed minority. They even have their open air festival Live-dead an annual get together but what goes on there ? what is the freaky secret behind the Zombie movement ?
Check it out you wont be disappointed

American Zombie: rating **** 4 Ninja stars

Official website: American Zombie

other reviews and info: Horror movie review at About.com

Review at IMDb

Movie Review: Motocross Zombies from Hell !

Yes that's right kids they're not just Zombies they're Motocross Zombies !
Where do they come from ? Is it California ? Is it Alaska ?
No you foolish mortals they come from Hell !

I must say that shopping for DVDs (and everything else) in China is a very different experience than shopping back home. It's not that it's bad because sometimes you can get some really great stuff at excellent prices, it's just that it's unpredictable and inconsistent. Sometimes you can get some real gems and sometimes a real turd. In the DVD stores porn can be thrown on to the rack next to Disney or a Charlie Chaplin comedy next to a BBC documentary on global warming.
What is here today can be gone tomorrow and things are often not what they seem. So when I saw "Motocross Zombies from Hell" at the local DVD pirates' lair I got it but I wasn't holding out much hope for a cinematic masterpiece.
But I was intrigued. This concept could be quite a breakthrough in the field of Zombology, like Sauramans' Uruk Hai crossing Orcs and Men, Zombified Motocross riders could be devastating. Imagine it, an undead army that could cross great distances over rough terrain at high speed. Plus the Motocross uniform would disguise their identity and the helmet would provide protection against the Zombie stopping head shot.
But make no mistake this isn't "Citizen Kane" it's an independent low budget schlock horror. There was no modern Orson Welles slaving away to make a new cinematic paradigm with this baby, although it would be amusing to imagine if there was;
"The postmodern nature of the Mechanistic Motocross shall be thrown into stark relief by the Primordial Atavistic nature of the Zombie !"
But to give credit were credit is due a young and rather inexperienced cast do some solid work carrying a barely conceived plot along and selling themselves as Californian dudes and gear heads. Technical effects and stunts are adequate and do a bit to lift the overall production value of the piece.
I will let the movies' own website spare me the tedious task of summarizing the plot, so here it goes;

Up and coming motocross racer Cody is on the hottest winning streak of his short career…a streak that threatens to unseat the undefeated riders on Team Skullz. Little does Cody know that this team's riders have an edge, they are zombies! Cody and his tuner Tom and friend Lori get more than they bargained for when during the biggest motocross race of the season the zombies and their un-dead manager Ivan target them for elimination of the deadliest kind.

And that is pretty much it as far as the plot goes. There is an escape to a ruined spooky building in the middle of the desert an inconclusive battle with the Zombies and then it's all over. It gave me the impression of project that collapsed half way through, maybe the money ran out or maybe the crew just got bored and walked out. The Un-dead manager Ivan only gets one scene, he is introduced, acts all creepy and then we never see him again. There is no climax, no final show-down between the forces of good and the powers of rottenness. They don't even defeat the Zombie riders to win the Trophy save their lives and ride off into the sunset. 2 out of 3 of the main characters survive the night time Zombie assault and then stagger off into the sunrise. Roll credits.

Final Judgement 2 Ninja stars **

Motocross Zombies from Hell official Website

Movie Review Sleeping Dogs

**** Four Ninja Stars

One from the digital vaults This brand new DVD is a fine release of Roger Donaldson's dystopian view of New Zealand gone on a Fascist bender. It’s production was a historical moment for Kiwi cinema and it’s a forgotten political firecracker. The story behind the story is fascinating but rather long so I will leave that for later.
I never saw this at the movies so I came to it almost as fresh piece and I it feels 30 years later first a political story, any action, drama or love story was definitely second, So I’ll give you the Political story first,
The familiar and idyllic Kiwi landscape of New Zealand in the mid to late 70's usually has such a calming effect on me, viewed through rose tinted lenses of Childhood nostalgia of but here there is a weird feeling of a parallel time exists another life never lived, I continuously wondered, Could have this have happened ? Was this our past ?
A Nearly-New Zealand has Oil shock Hyper inflation, Labour Unions threatening a general strike the Fascist Special Police bully boys are out on the streets so it's more than a little scary.
Viva La Revolución !
Love story comes second, so here it is Sam Neil is the young father Smith who leaves the lovely wife and charming kiddies after some martial events and returns to the land.
As dirt grubbing a farmer on an island some where in the midst of Maoriland he gets involved in the bigger picture. He's busted by the Special Police for something he didn’t do and didn’t care about. For all the boyish good looks of Sam Neil, Smith is no Che Guevara, he gets involved in everything in such a half arsed way I can't call him our hero he's just a protagonist. Pity that he's such a selfish little asshole really. But in compensation for the generally weak acting effort there are so many little pieces of Kiwi life that looking back 30 years are( For the Kiwi veiwer ) priceless, we see a land deal done with local Iwi that wouldn't get through our political Commissars today
"Give the old man at the Marae a bottle of whiskey !" Indeed !
On the minus side some of the ledger some all the nuances and subtle touches of feeling that turn good movies into great cinema are lacking. But on the plus side it is remarkable to consider the film commission funding and The RNZAF aircraft, How both were obtained considering the subject material ?
The RNZAF contributions were the Iroquois helicopters and Staring in an ground attack role the A4K Skyhawk* which, with rocket pods and determination blasts some Communist Heretics to Hell.
The making of the movie which features Roger, Sam Geoff Murphy and the cast and crew 30 years on is another odd parallel time track. Same people same place and same the events are just dissected differently by the players 30 years later.
Price well ? a weird feeling of a parallel time track exists here too. What could have happened ?
It is worth noting that Red China is manufacturing this and selling it to you via the Warehouse for only $9.99
So Viva La Revolución



*Military Aerospace enthusiasts such as Spaceman Jack will note that the jets used are the older RNZAF A4K. This was before the Kiwi’s small wing of Skyhawks got an entire avionics upgrade. You can tell the difference by the lack of the Dorsal hump on the later models.

Movie Review The 300

Movie Review The 300

** ½
Rating; 2and a half Ninja stars


The swords ! Gasp ! the shields ! Swoon ! the bronzed pectoral muscles flex and sweat, Egad !
I decided to break with my frugal habits and see this movie on the big screen before the Chinese pirates wash all the color out. I’m glad I did the visuals are superb its a shame the rest didn’t follow suit
This movies has twisted through the cultural wasteland that is Hollywood and come back to us, once as a movie, once a comic book by the ghastly master Frank Miller. Once upon a time it may have even been a history about a tribe called the Spartans but after the entertainment machine has eaten its own dung so many times its difficult to be sure.
The true ancestor is not classical Greek history but Frank Miller’s own dreams and fantasies of the films he has seen. The look is very similar to the other screen version of this his comic book work "Sin City" which I enjoyed ( but not as much as the ground breaking comic.)
The story is solid enough and pretty straight forward. The Spartans are tough and cool, they have been invaded for no adequately explained reason by the Persians who are rich but decadent and possibly poofs.
Who can boil down a race and culture, classic heroes and massive wars to a few short minutes and show them true with only light and sound ? These guys certainly don’t and don’t even try.
I can buy the Armor plated Attack rhinoceros, I can even buy the Ancient magical hand grenades ( Lob’st now thine holy Hand Grenade ) but I cannot suspend my disbelief long enough or high enough to span the bizarre Persian King Xerexes and his hordes of mutants. The king himself appears to be 7 feet tall and a headline act for a Las Vegas night club, his servants are flabby freaks and his executioner appears to have cybernetic sword arms.
The rather weird spin on this movie has been the high geopolitical line taken by certain Iranian officials. With the amazingly successful global war on terror now into its 6th brilliant year some in Tehran are suspicious of Hollywood’s motives.
They need not worry Hollywood’s motives are what they have always been, purely mercenary. They are bagging Iran only in passing.
Miller is seeking out a sort of Death and Glory machismo that the Spartans seemed to have buckets of. The cold steel (or bronze) of combat especially against overwhelming odds is the antidote to the creeping plague of modernity. King Leonidas is hairy and virile he makes a point of not actually saying to his wife he loves her because he is so manly he doesn’t need to.
Hair appears to be a crucial marker of ones manliness and hence moral goodness in this pic. King Leonidas has the blackest beard but King Xerxes is bald, each of the Spartan soldiers can be measured in rank and coolness by the length and fullness of their whiskers. The Ephors for example, who are Spartan but corrupted priests have no facial hair at all, just plague boils and scrofula. The honest councilor has quite a respectable beard, trimmed a bit short but the evil traitor has an even shorter one.
The politics of the whole movie is far too mixed to be anything other than a mess, there is some talk of "freedom’ but it’s never explained.
The sad thing is that a real straight (no pun indented) telling of the story would have been much better. The real story is always tougher and harder but also better than anything even the most coked up Californian script doctor could ever invent.
In a straight retelling were the word Freedom is more than a cliché the brave Spartans would have some explaining to do about their own indigenous race of slaves, The Helots whom the Spartans would formally declare war on every year, giving the warriors citizens legal impunity to kill them as they pleased. As has been noted the passage to adulthood for a noble Spartan man would much more likely to be from murdering a helot farm hand than battling a dire wolf single handed.
A real dialogue between the Spartans and the Athenians would have been good to. They are referred to in passing as the "Philosophers and boy lovers" but you would have to go to ancient Sparta to get the real Greek institutional pederasty. We only really know of the Spartans through the Athenians, several frugal Athenian Philosophers idolized the tough Spartans but the Spartans themselves left us little. Their stories were told by others, like Frank Miller who would have been appalled if he actually had to live the Spartan life. History is written by the winners in this case the Athenians not the Spartans, Leonidas probably couldn’t even write.
Final verdict; 2 ½ Ninja stars, see it but don’t believe it